The Silly Ones

, ,

53 Things I Learned in 2014

, ,
2014-hair-odyssey-e1420060423905.jpg

An entire year with nary a post save one, at the very end? O, how the bright-eyed girl of 43 who was posting multiple times per day in 2004 would have laughed had you told her this! Without further ado, we continue this new twist on a 10-year-old tradition with 53 things I learned this year—one thing for each year I am old.

What will the new year bring? What won't it, amirite?

  1. Hair we go again.
  2. What I really need is so much better than what I think I do.
  3. They have that 110-lb. Blood-Donor Rule for a reason.
  4. Giving talks is still fun.
  5. But not as much fun as watching people get it.
  6. Dogs will change your life.
  7. And, sometimes, your livelihood.
  8. And always, your capacity to be patient.
  9. Take the f*cking donuts.
  10. Releasing books almost beats reading them.
  11. Helping your friends make jam is the new helping your friends make quilts.
  12. There's a difference between not doing something wrong and seeking to do things right.
  13. It's all the difference.
  14. William Trevor is dark in the good way.
  15. An evening's walk in the desert is as relaxing as a week's stay in many places.
  16. Vegas, however....
  17. You never know where your next pen pal may come from.
  18. Accidents make the best popsicles.
  19. Theater is one of the smartest things I can say "yes" to.
  20. Especially as it yields hidden treasures.
  21. Cleaning ladies earn every cent of their money.
  22. My new-favorite blogs are all newsletters.
  23. I am absolutely, positively not a copywriter.
  24. For hire.
  25. Making art feels like making love—to yourself.
  26. And you don't need a nap afterward.
  27. Although naps are awesome!
  28. Cauliflower is God's gift to the gut-afflicted.
  29. All the juices just wish they were watermelon & lime juice.
  30. I am adjacent to too much love and greatness not to have done something right.
  31. Spas are not actually torture chambers.
  32. Just when you've given up hope, a savior appears.
  33. And I'm not talking about Angelina Jolie.
  34. Although she is awesome!
  35. Just when you thought you knew everything, bacon in the oven!
  36. I finally get that Chinese saying about being responsible for the life you save.
  37. I also finally get why giving is better.
  38. Especially when you don't feel like it.
  39. Nobody wants a bald chick on their jury panel.
  40. Su-u-uddenly, Scanpan.
  41. If Rob Brezsny didn't exist, we'd have to forecast him.
  42. You do not have to have hair like a girl to dress like one.
  43. I do not miss auditioning.
  44. I always miss acting.
  45. It's a good thing zoodles are not on the side of evil.
  46. It may take 43 years, but one can resuscitate a love of dorky holiday traditions.
  47. My sister was raised right.
  48. The first step in getting to the Beverly Center is knowing where you are right now.
  49. The best day to write is everyday.
  50. The best day to start doing it is today.
  51. Or the today that was your 53rd birthday.
  52. Eyeball beans really do make for a better 12 months.
  53. Eventually, even your crickity YouTube video will be legitimized by a #TBT.

Stay tuned for more, if you like. Happy new year, either way!

xxx c

2013

2012

2011

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

,

52 Things I Learned in 2013

,
bloggy-windex-hack.jpg

Did I say that 2012 was a doozy? From that long-ago year's relatively cushy vantage point, I quite literally did not know the half of it. This was the year that the other shoe dropped. I still haven't sorted through 2013's considerable lessons sufficiently to retrieve salient talking points, much less wrangled the time to get them in some kind of order, but trust me when I say that finally, after 52 years, I walk around with the sense that everything is, at its root, just fine. If you were worrying, please stop. And if you weren't worrying, for god's sake, don't start. I mean, I also finally get that what you do is none of my business, but one of this year's lessons was that worry solves exactly nothing. Action, on the other hand....

Alas, 2013 is not the year that sees me returning to the extensive cataloging of yore. On the other hand, I no longer view submitting fewer items than the "full" 100 as some kind of defeat; hell, I barely see it as less-than.

Without further ado, then, here are 52 things that I learned this year—one for each year I am old. A new tradition! For a new year!

  1. Surrender.
  2. No, really: S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R.
  3. Crap, like rust, never sleeps.
  4. Crisp sheets are worth the ironing.
  5. This includes pillowcases.
  6. But not, strangely enough, the bottom sheet.
  7. Pink is my favorite color.
  8. I am more surprised by this than anyone else.
  9. Never underestimate the entertainment value of random shit.
  10. Always let your wig do the heavy lifting.
  11. I'm just not that into Twitter.
  12. People are awesome.
  13. Occasionally, this includes elected officials.
  14. No matter how broke you get, you won't regret what you spent on art.
  15. When in doubt, write like you talk.
  16. But above all, write.
  17. If it came from anywhere other than the place where your legs meet, get it in writing.
  18. Especially if "it" has to do with health insurance deductibles.
  19. More often than not, I'm the dumbest person in the room.
  20. More and more, I'm down with that.
  21. When you have to produce the goods, a dress makes you feel like a million bucks.
  22. Alas, the shoes that'll get you there safely make you look like a tiny duck.
  23. Sign heaven exists, and it's just east of the 110.
  24. I'm not done with acting.
  25. Oh, boy, am I not.
  26. Less gossip = mo' better.
  27. The truth shows up when you least expect it.
  28. True miracles help make more miracles.
  29. Whether you know it or not.
  30. And most of the time, you won't.
  31. Jacarandas!
  32. Death by a thousand cuts works the other way, too.
  33. Stories make more sense the more you tell them.
  34. Getting old means everything seems like it happened yesterday.
  35. If it's good and it's loving, it's a "yes".
  36. The journey of 3,798,493 steps starts with a single Fitbit.
  37. A solid deadline beats good intentions every time.
  38. The cure for loneliness is not more "me"-time.
  39. You meet the strangest people opting-out.
  40. Parties aren't the worst way to ring in the new year.
  41. Subscribing to just one magazine is okay if there's just one you want to read.
  42. The undocumented life is well worth living.
  43. It's okay to ask for help.
  44. No, really: IT'S O-K-A-Y.
  45. Heaven on Earth is a voice lifted in song.
  46. This is the last year Facebook puts together a better highlights reel than I do.
  47. Those Buddhists know a thing or two about a thing or two.
  48. Getting fired feels horrible.
  49. Reconciling yourself to it with grace, however, almost compensates.
  50. Almost.
  51. There will never be a "done".
  52. There will never be a day when this doesn't make that a little easier to bear.

2012

2011

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

,

Good enough, Day 9: Giving the Arnold Palmer a run for its money

,
img_2980.jpg

I must now admit to an embarrassing personal deficiency: 99.999% of the time, I hate drinking water. Okay, maybe "hate" is a bit strong; I really, really dislike it. But I stand by the percentage! Water is the most tedious beverage under the sun. It is blah. It is non-delicious. From the wrong wells or pipes, it is aggressively foul. Am I saying there are no exceptions to this? I am not. When I was an entitled jerk who drank bottled water, there were brands I loved. Arrowhead? Moderately tasty. Sparkletts? Delicious. On those occasions when I am that bozo who forgot her water bottle, I will treat myself to an overpriced Dasani from the 7-11 cooler and drink that whole sucka down right there. (I am convinced they put something in it to make it more palatable. Crack, maybe.) And, okay, when it is 8 million degrees here in L.A., as it inevitably is in September and October, even water from a fountain that hasn't had its filter changed since the Carter administration can taste pretty good. Overall, though, I give a big, fat "meh" to water as a beverage.

This poses a few problems, as the adult, responsible Colleen knows she needs a certain amount of water per day for good health and flushing things out and counteracting Americanos—which, as everyone knows, God invented for himself on the seventh day while he "rested", then hid from the rest of us until 1982. For a while, I tried getting my daily H20 con gas, as the Italians say. Sparkling water was highly satisfactory from a gustatory perspective, but was hell on my intestinal tract, not to mention fitting in my pants by the end of the day.

I had a major breakthrough sometime last year when, for something like the 44th day in a row, I found myself pouring out my almost-untouched nightly peppermint tea in the the morning. I'd begun making a mug of it at bedtime in an attempt to calm and soothe me into sleep. I must be an easily-suggestible type, because within several months, just setting that thing down on the bedside table made me sleepy. Great for feeling rested, but a terrible waste of perfectly good peppermint tea.

So, one fateful morning a year or so ago, I poured what was left in the mug into a glass, figuring I'd just drink it cold, only—well, I was out of ice. On a whim, I topped it off with chilled, sparkling water and JUST LIKE THAT, my new-favorite drink was born. It is easy as pie to make. It is cheap, even if you brew the tea fresh, for this express purpose. And, while most definitely con gas, it is con less gas than fizzy water alone.

Best of all, it is delicious. If you like your drinks non-sweet and just a little acrid, as I do, you will be in hog heaven.

I was thinking I should call it a "communicatrix"—why should Arnold Palmer have all the non-alcoholic fun?—but upon reflection, I believe I will have to dub it the...

GUDENOV (serves 1) Fill a 12-oz glass halfway with brewed peppermint tea. Fill to top with chilled sparkling water. Enjoy!

xxx c

The skinny on, plus all previous 21-Day Salutes™.

,

51 Things I Learned in 2012

,
cw-haircut.jpg

This year has been longest I can recall in the decades since they started flying by. It has challenged me in ways I could not have predicted even twelve months ago, when I foolishly thought I'd mapped the full landscape of challenges. Much of what I've experienced I have not been able to share, partly owing to a lack of adequate processing, partly due to exhaustion, and partly, I'm afraid, because of Facebook. It is perilously easy to let social media drive, and to content oneself with lobbing the occasional comment (or cold French fry) from the backseat.

Which is why this year almost became the one in which I did not do a List. How could I, when so many of my lessons have been private? And why bother, when, for the rest of it, I can just direct you to My 20 Biggest Moments (as chosen by Al Gore Ithym)? Sure, it's lazy, ill-managed, and trite, but have you seen Congress lately?

Then it occurred to me: what better way to exercise my new-found and very-hard-won habit of doing things imperfectly than sharing a smaller, less hilarious list? If people unsubscribe in droves, well, less pressure moving forward, amirite?

So here, for the first time ever, a list of the 51 things I learned over the past year. Slightly more than half, far short of "perfection", and a fine symmetry with years lived.

May 2013 be the year of your dreams, whatever those may be.

xxx c

  1. Just when you start to doubt it, the internet reminds you of how hard it rocks.
  2. And by "the internet", I mean "the people on the internet".
  3. And the internet.
  4. "Humbling" does not equal "humiliating".
  5. Traveling for work is the most exhausting perk you'll ever love.
  6. I should have been reading The Sun 20 years ago.
  7. You of the Past will always overestimate the willingness of You of the Future.
  8. There are worse afflictions than terminal earnestness.
  9. No. More. Scarves.
  10. Falling behind has its compensations.
  11. That Joni Mitchell song about taxis and parking lots also applies to gumlines.
  12. And savings accounts.
  13. But, oddly enough, not to hair.
  14. Instagr—wait, I mean Flickr.
  15. The most expedient way to learn about yourself is to have smart people ask you questions.
  16. Shaving your head dramatically reduces your dating opportunities.
  17. But sharply increases photo ops.
  18. A little lighting makes a big difference.
  19. God will wait until you're good and ready.
  20. Or maybe just ready.
  21. Fuck manicures.
  22. New Orleans is a thousand times better than I ever imagined.
  23. Except for Bourbon Street, which is a hundred-million-billion times worse.
  24. Hormones are nature's way of saying "That'll be $80 a month, please."
  25. New York never misses you.
  26. Eventually, you stop caring.
  27. The universal cure for what ails you is a Dole Whip in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room.
  28. Giving blood feels as restorative as getting blood.
  29. Nothing beats hanging out with old friends.
  30. But stumbling across their new books runs a close second.
  31. A bad video can be too long at a minute.
  32. A great play can be too short at eight hours.
  33. Victory tastes even sweeter when it's Sugar's.
  34. I love playing an asshole.
  35. But I make a much funnier loser.
  36. Gelson's has the best air-conditioning.
  37. Also, the best egg salad.
  38. And, unfortunately, the loudest televisions.
  39. TEDx is the new "done".
  40. A Breville tea kettle will change your life.
  41. Not to mention strip the paint off of your kitchen cabinets.
  42. It's only foreign until you do it once.
  43. Receiving accolades is surprisingly less fun than doing the things that earn them.
  44. A professional knife sharpening is worth its weight in Band-Aids.
  45. Sometimes the best thing you can do is almost nothing at all.
  46. Or at least, what looks like nothing to the outside world.
  47. Besides, I wasn't not blogging; I was helping you maintain your information diet.
  48. Beginnings are always lovely.
  49. Cancer still sucks.
  50. Things change.
  51. But when they don't change fast enough—which is almost always—this helps.

See you next year!

2011

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

Photo of me and shave artist supreme, Brandon Massengale, by some other person at Bolt Barbers, West Hollywood.

,

100 Things I Learned in 2011, Part 2 [50-for-50 edition]

,

You know what you learn when you do a review of the back half of a year in which you did a massive, 50-day-long fundraising thing-a-majiggy? That it takes WAY MORE than the actual 50 days to do it. Seriously. There's a full six months of my life (and counting) that's all 50-for-50! 50-for-50! 50-for-50!

So here's a one-time-only, half-of-100-things list devoted (almost) exclusively to my biggest teacher ever.

In other non-news, good lord—no wonder I need a nap.

  1. "Possible" lives next door to "impossible."
  2. Neither one can be routed on Google Maps.
  3. Goddamn right it takes a goddamn village.
  4. The "O" word isn't as magical as the "S" word.
  5. Or the "P," "A," "G," "M" and "B" words.
  6. Not to mention the "DLP" and "WCWW" words.
  7. But some of the biggest movers live quietly behind the scenes.
  8. Appliances don't give a crap about deadlines.
  9. That goes double for #@$% hackers.
  10. A $25 haircut isn't as bad as you'd think.
  11. But it can't touch a $50,000 one.
  12. Swears look better neatly stitched.
  13. Or covering your naughty bits.
  14. The breaks you think you can't take are the most necessary.
  15. Flip-flops and street lamps don't mix.
  16. Neither do shaved heads and anything loose and flowing.
  17. Unless you're aiming for "Buddhist nun."
  18. You really do lose 80% of your heat through your head.
  19. Banjo makes everything better.
  20. Self-deprecating humor doesn't hurt, either.
  21. But I'm pretty sure puppies trump everything.
  22. Make time to shred.
  23. Before you shave, moisturize.
  24. After you shave, moisturize.
  25. Everyone loves a good cry.
  26. And a photobooth.
  27. And flan.
  28. Even the ones who don't think they do.
  29. Recovery takes longer than you think.
  30. Definitely longer than the two weeks you've allotted on your calendar.
  31. Getting back to work doesn't always involve work.
  32. Unless you count "play" as work.
  33. WHICH IT TOTALLY #!$&@ IS.
  34. So are massages.
  35. (I know, I know.)
  36. The first thing that goes is reading.
  37. The next thing is blogging.
  38. And finally, when you think it's all over, newsletter-ing.
  39. Dating feels different on the other side of 50.
  40. And when the only hair color you can check is "None."
  41. And you're in no hurry to check any other box.
  42. We won (one category)! We won (one category)!
  43. It feels good to be in GOOD.
  44. I finally know what the Facebook timeline is good for.
  45. Which means they're bound to screw it up before December of 2012.
  46. People love a good story.
  47. With a happy ending.
  48. But watch out for those impromptu pig-whistling lessons.
  49. You can't repay kindness.
  50. Pass it on.

See you next year!

2011

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

Awesome hat a handmade gift of the awesome Sarah Clinton, community manager for the awesome Richmond Animal League. If you enjoyed this post, go make an end-of-year contribution to them! Or to WriteGirl! And buy yourself something from Amazon while you're at it—that'll help keep the lights on here. And hey, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you!

,

100 Things I Learned in 2011, Part 1

,

the author revealing a pit stain while "dancing" I, for one, am flummoxed. Also, baffled, perplexed, confounded, and generally mystified.

No sooner do I finish off my list of 100 things for 2010 than I'm sitting down to do it again. How is this possible? Who is stealing this time? And for the love of all that's holy, PUT IT BACK.

Well, no matter. While some days it seemed like this entire year was one long beg-a-thon, upon closer scrutiny, a few other things did, apparently, happen. Who knew?!

Of course, I'm not at all sure how much I learned from any of them, but oh, well—tomorrow is another year, right? Hahaha! Also, GET OFF MY LAWN. (If one does not earn the right to say that at 50, I hardly see the point of birthdays.)

Okay, then! Here we go...

  1. There's nothing better than doing work you love.
  2. Except getting paid for it.
  3. And possibly, being able to succinctly describe it.
  4. Pay for the nonstop flight.
  5. You will, anyway.
  6. Comedians make the best philosophers.
  7. But nerds make the funniest ones.
  8. Menopause is Latin for "You're never more than one marshmallow away from your fat pants."
  9. Balance is more of a journey than a destination.
  10. Writing better takes longer.
  11. But writing longer doesn't guarantee "better."
  12. Making it a miracle anything gets written, ever.
  13. Instagram won.
  14. For now.
  15. Fear does not disappear with experience.
  16. It does, however, don a series of increasingly exotic and beguiling outfits with which to confuse and/or bewitch one.
  17. Never underestimate the rejuvenating effect of punctuation.
  18. The shortest route between you and 6-year-old you is the Soap Lady.
  19. I still get distracted incredibly easil—holy crap, is that a new iPhone grocery app?
  20. Goals, like food, work better with portion control.
  21. And on smaller plates.
  22. Stories are my favorite "content".
  23. Times 3, times 365.
  24. The only thing better than going on hiatus may be coming off of it.
  25. That doesn't mean I don't want to do them both again.
  26. Just less far apart.
  27. It doesn't have to be human for you to Facebook-stalk it.
  28. I love weddings.
  29. Especially when they belong to other people.
  30. Or better yet, all the people.
  31. Portland is even better in the summer.
  32. And on foot.
  33. And when you improvise.
  34. Fear is my all-time muse di tutti muses.
  35. But I am envy's bitch.
  36. They should call it "Southwest Fairlines".
  37. "Together/single" is less "better/worse" than it is "apples/oranges".
  38. The quickest route to self-knowledge is a good interviewer.
  39. The only thing more fun than a Justin Tanner play is turning someone on to a Justin Tanner play.
  40. Or turning everyone on to a Justin Tanner aphorism.
  41. You can have too much of a good thing.
  42. Fortunately, someone is always making new good things.
  43. Unfortunately, that doesn't extend to everything.
  44. Roger Ebert's taste in movies extends to music videos.
  45. Thievery rocks.
  46. I have the world's worst gaydar.
  47. I'm not the only one fed up with the constant happy of Facebook.
  48. Not to mention those stupid inspirational quotes.
  49. But fixing the Internet is complicated.
  50. Fortunately, fixing your reactions to it is simple.

Look for Part II later this week! In the meantime, remembrances of years past:

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

Poetry Thursday: Narcissus and the World Wide Web

The Internet is full of shrimp and Perry Mason tonight.

When I woke up it was wall-to-wall awesome, pulsing with possibilities for advancement and intellectual growth and emotional connection, an endless road there to take me anywhere I wanted, anywhere in the world.

By noon, I had turned it into a moving sidewalk between Terminals B and C, some tedious ride I've taken too many times, with ads up one side and mirrors down the other, the better to get a good, long look at the asshole who thought she could outwit the Web.

But tomorrow is another day like Scarlett said on Netflix streaming. Tomorrow I will bring that bitch to her knees just as soon as I check my email and my stats and a few select places for mention of my name.

In the meantime, let's see what's up with Della and that stir-fry recipe...

xxx c

Image by xJasonRogersx via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license. (And the full-sized, uncropped version is much better. You should take a look.)

,

Poetry Thursday: Of service

,

fishmonger holding high two lobsters Virgo is the sign of service visualized as a maiden in a flowing robe, hair up or down, bearing grain.

Not a lion, not a bull not a ram. Not a hottie hoisting a vat of water to his massive shoulder with his studly arms.

Not a sharpshooter, a skilled, sought-after professional, never mind the hairy knees and hooves, not a pair of enigmatic twins or Escher-y fishes not even a goat or a crab or an inanimate fucking object of weights and measures:

Oh, no. A lone shiksa who has never met the high, hard one fondling a shaft of wheat, that's my lot.

I hated being a Virgo like I hated being not old enough or tall enough or smart or pretty or funny or fast enough to be anything but altogether unexceptional.

I hated my sign that started with "V" and ended with nobody getting laid like I hated the black watch plaid I wore every day for eight years that made me look just like everyone else, only somehow, never as cool as the girls with the good signs, the Leos, the Taurans, the goddamn Capricorns, all of whom most assuredly were relieved of their virginity before they were 19 and had to beg someone.

Do you know who serves?

Broom-pushers and burger-flippers; stockboys and bus drivers. Practicing alcoholics spinning condo-closeout arrows on the corner or hawking Caesar salad specials in a chicken suit. Cashiers, counting out other people's money, and actors, when they can't get work as actors, and overeducated foreign nationals and undereducated dropouts all clinging to their last shred of dignity doing jobs too low even to be beneath them.

People with no other choice choose service, don't they?

Yes. They do. They do. And the luckiest of them, I see now, embrace it.

They stoop to wash the dusty feet of strangers, to set the broken arms of girls who slide off the monkey bars, to pour themselves onto the page again and again so that this time, that someone whose heart has barely a hairline crack running across it can finally start feeling the light pour in.

They bend and contort themselves to make pastafazool and music. They bear with patience the slow, slow uptake of mathematics in adolescent crania and self-knowledge in the shattered heart. They give and give and give of their time and their talent, and their sweat and their soul sometimes for little, but never, never for nothing.

Finally, decades later, but not too late, I see that what is truly true: that to love is to serve. And so now, as then, I choose to serve because I cannot choose otherwise.

I must live in service of that which I've been given: my broom, my brain, my pen, my heart. I must push them to and fro to and fro to and fro every day of every week that they are in my custody.

I must live to serve, because now I finally see what is truly true: that I must serve to truly live.

xxx c

Image by Charbel Akhras via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

100 Things I Learned in 2010, Part 2

,

caricature of the author by the artist Walt Taylor This year didn't kick my ass so much as it snuck up behind me, whispered in my ear it would kill me if I made so much as a wrong move, and slipped off into the night before I could make out what the fuck it looked like. This year was easily the worst since I got sucker-punched by 2002.

Still. This year could have been SO much worse. I know this. I mean, I forgot this, but then I remembered, and so sometime a month or two ago, I started making another kind of list, of things I was really, really lucky to have. Stuff like friends and health (especially when I got it back) and relative solvency, of course, but also stuff like "sunshine!" or "rain!" or "electricity!" (Although electricity mixed with rain, not so much.)

My point is this: I write because I have to, but I also am never far from realizing I write because I get to. As in, "I am alive for now, and living people GET TO WRITE."

So as this year draws to a close, I reiterate: I am alive for now. LIVING PEOPLE GET TO (fill in your Thing of Choice  here.) For my part, I am grateful for this year, and pledge to try my best not to slip out of gratitude for too long at any one point during the next.

Besides, sometimes the shittiest years bear the greatest fruits. Fertilizer, yadda yadda.

May you gently lay to rest your previous year, and rest your arms to open themselves widely to the next. Thank you, and I hope we'll see each other in 2011!

xxx c

  1. It's hell in the hallway.
  2. Never judge a bra by his cover.
  3. My sign-painting obsession is not an anomaly.
  4. Hypnosis feels like cheating on your pain.
  5. But it hurts so good.
  6. There's almost no mood that 100 miles of open road and a "singalong" playlist can't fix.
  7. Keep that comfort television toward the top of the queue, too.
  8. Habits before tools.
  9. Fun has a high switching cost, but a stunning overall ROI.
  10. Compassionate understanding is more effective than strict punishment.
  11. Although neatly-drawn boundaries come in mighty handy.
  12. Halve the meat.
  13. Double the veggies.
  14. Deep-six the carbs.
  15. Anyone who says you can have it all, doesn't.
  16. Everyone loves a good hack.
  17. And a peek at someone else's setup.
  18. The answer to more things than not is "less."
  19. (Underwear and socks, excepted.)
  20. Lemongrass is magic.
  21. Hippie "deodorant" is the toiletries equivalent of the "CLOSE DOOR" button on the elevator.
  22. When it comes to inboxes, "zero" is a journey, not a destination.
  23. Unloading beats acquiring, hands-down.
  24. Facebook is the best thing to happen to birthdays since cake.
  25. Coconut is the best thing to happen to Larabars since Larabars.
  26. Hotels are worth it.
  27. That goes double re: springing for the single.
  28. If you're not paying for the service, you're the product being sold.
  29. An open jar is an empty jar.
  30. Discovering bona fide Christians could almost restore one's faith.
  31. I may never be immortalized in ink.
  32. Vinyl, however, is another story.
  33. With a rather bittersweet ending.
  34. There are angels all around you, if you know where to not look.
  35. Slow leaks cause steadily mounting anxiety.
  36. There's no news like really fucking great news.
  37. Ask around all you want, but you already know what you need to do next.
  38. Sorry, not that.
  39. Yes, that.
  40. Don't forget the Epsom salts.
  41. There's no free qi.
  42. Misery (still) loves company.
  43. Muppets (still) rule.
  44. For good or for ill, you're making a difference.
  45. Less video.
  46. More music.
  47. Crushes are better in individual serving sizes.
  48. Troubles are better shared.
  49. Fear is a yellow light, not a red one.
  50. When life lets up, you're probably not living it anymore.

Yup. This 100-things thing is indeed an annual thing:

2010

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

Magnificent drawing of yours truly, the clown, © Wally Torta, gentleman and scholar.

,

100 Things I Learned in 2010, Part 1

,

Amy Jane Gruber and the author by John Gruber I know that normal people marvel over how fast time flies when they see Rite Aid putting out the holiday tchotchkes in July or read stories of their college roommates' babies get busted for dealing meth, but I'll tell you what, nothin' sez "Old timer!" to this old timer like posting your SEVENTH annual "Things I Learned in Whatever Year" to your blog.

This year was not an easy year for many people. On the other hand, easy years are rarely memorable ones. And, as my memory ain't what it used to be (I think), maybe I'm better off with a "challenging" year.

Part 2 coming at you on Thursday...

xxx

c

  1. Love is easy.
  2. Forgiveness is hard.
  3. Which means that actually, love isn't easy at all.
  4. December is way more fun when you do it in January.
  5. The best slide shows present you.
  6. To get down with the future, meet the kids who'll be running it.
  7. For someone who never liked dogs, I sure turned out to like dogs.
  8. Then again, no one told me they had medicinal properties.
  9. You're never too old to learn how much you have yet to learn.
  10. Or too good to make light of it.
  11. The way to read a lot of books is 40pp at a time.
  12. If you build it, they will cum.
  13. You may never work harder than the year you don't "work."
  14. Exhaustion is the true mother of invention.
  15. The two greatest blogs about change are newsletters.
  16. But the king is the king for a reason.
  17. There will never be enough hours in a day.
  18. I don't know why or how, but wishing works.
  19. I finally have enough author friends to form a football team.
  20. And 2011 is bringing in some strong starters.
  21. As for me, we'd better hope those Mayans were wrong.
  22. Car washes are infinitely better when you add free magazines.
  23. Everything is infinitely better when you add hot guys.
  24. The best pictures are inevitably the worst pictures.
  25. When it comes to chasing, I give up.
  26. Uniforms rock.
  27. Pen pals rule.
  28. Nothing underlines the need for self-love like a run-in with one's inner shithead.
  29. At a certain point, "procrastination" becomes simply "one's working style."
  30. The biggest learning is in the doing.
  31. Cheap is beautiful.
  32. Ice cream is better than gossip. For everyone.
  33. You'll hate half of what you try.
  34. If you're incredibly lucky.
  35. And unusually diligent.
  36. Feminism and heat are not mutually exclusive.
  37. I'd walk a thousand miles for a singular comment.
  38. Two thousand, if the comment comes from the elusive Dan Owen.
  39. I like my books like I like my eggs: hard-boiled.
  40. The biggest skies are the hardest to get to.
  41. But when you hitch the right ride, they're beyond worth it.
  42. Maybe video ain't so bad.
  43. When life won't buy your lemons, offer it lemonade.
  44. On the other hand, when assholes spill oil, set them on fire.
  45. Although some of them are pretty good at self-immolation.
  46. Nothing feels as good as true service.
  47. Belly laughs run a close, close second.
  48. Then again, these days, belly laughs are the highest form of service.
  49. Social media is dead.
  50. Long live social media.

Part II is here. And have I mentioned that I've been doing this 100-things thing for SEVEN years now?

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

Photo © John Gruber via Flickr.

,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #32

,

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web. Keep up with them day-to-day on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my daily travels. More about the genesis here.

Not a link, but by way of explanation for the light posting here of late, at least, the part I can talk about, here's a little post I put up on the Tumblr. [Tumbled]

Design writer, gelato lover and flaneur extraordinaire Alissa Walker has been an inspiration to me since I met her roughly four years ago. This excellent write-up by Heather Parlato, a fine designer and another good friend who is a source of inspiration, will give you a good idea of why, plus some great insight into building a life and career you love. [Google Reader-ed]

This excellent little essay by Merlin Mann on his obsession with Dr. Strangelove gets at not only the heart of the film itself (hint: NOT about nuclear proliferation), but also the nature of obsessive loves, and how they become paths to bigger truths. [Stumbled]

One of the most thrilling meetings of great Stephens you're likely to encounter. Delightful! [Facebook, via Taylor Negron]

xxx
c

Photo by The Royal Academy of Nuts + Bolts via the Machine Project Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #31

,

little girl on a skateboard in front of a magazine rack

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web. Keep up with them day-to-day on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my daily travels. More about the genesis here.

Best thinking I've seen yet on the question of Facebook: do I stay or do I go now? [delicious-ed, which will soon be defunct, alas]

Lots of great stuff in the Google Reader feed this week, but the most useful thing I found was my friend Delia Lloyd's cogent summary of ways to engage without conflict. [Google Reader-ed]

On envy, magnanimity, what real success looks like, and why you should run like hell from the other, all in one piece nominally about design. [Stumbled]

Great proposals are made of great ingenuity. And love. And, occasionally, Muppets. [Tweeted, via Dave Seah]

xxx
c

Photo by mejuan via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #29

,

[flickr video=5210869364 secret=c2c72f2518 w=400 h=225]

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web. Keep up with them day-to-day on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my daily travels. More about the genesis here.

For the guy/gal who's read everything, Better Book Titles. [delicious]

Shall I share one of my guilty pleasures with you? Well, sharing is in the spirit of the season. So. Crap E-mail from a Dude. [Google Reader-ed]

Marvelous 1994 interview with Quentin Tarantino on Robert DeNiro. While you're watching, remember that just a couple of years later, DeNiro would come to him asking to play the second lead in Jackie Brown (the part that went to Robert Forster) . [YouTube-ed, via Stephen Elliott]

To get you in the spirit, a little "Rudolph," by way of Kubrick. [Facebook-ed, via Kung Fu Grippe ]

xxx
c

Most excellent video by Mike Monteiro, starring Erika Hall via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #28

,

boy blowing out bday candles, pushing younger brother out of frame

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web. Keep up with them day-to-day on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my daily travels. More about the genesis here.

Post of the YEAR: a bunch of rich people petition for HIGHER tax rates. Yay, rich people! [delicious, via Dave Greten on Facebook]

I've had rewriting on the brain lately, so I very much appreciated Delia Lloyd's concise but helpful list of editing tips. [Google Reader-ed]

Nothing sez "Happy Holidays, dammit!" like Andy Ihnatko's annual Amazon Advent Day Calendar. [Twitter-ed]

Pixar employees contribute possibly my favorite entry thus far to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" project. (Warning: have tissues handy.) [Facebook-ed, via everybody]

xxx
c

Image by TimWilson via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #27

,

alissa walker at disneyland looking through viewfinder

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web. Keep up with them day-to-day on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my daily travels. More about the genesis here.

Lessons on the nature of modern business abound in this honest post-mortem from the folks who beat Mint.com to market and still lost. [delicious, via Daring Fireball]

Regrets of the dying, a very short list. [Google Reader-ed, via Ben Casnocha]

Juicy series of video interviews with artists and designers. [Stumbled, via Scott Simpson]

The story of Jim Swilley, the Georgia megachurch pastor who came out to his congregation, is extraordinary enough. But this interview with him on CNN, where he discusses (among other things) his wife's influence in the decision to do so, is truly inspiring. [Facebook-ed, via Roger Ebert]

xxx
c

Image by gelatobaby via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

Derailment, deconstructed

,

diorama of alice chasing white rabbit down hole

1. Launch writing program to begin rewriting work for the day.

2. Work on rewrite for 10 minutes. Hit snag, and decide I need grounding exercise writing buddy created for me last week when I hit previous rewriting snag.

3. Open email client to track down writing buddy's note, because I appear to have willfully refused to keep the usual three or four redundant copies handy, and email is the only place I know I can find a copy.

4. Note new email in inbox!

5. Read first new email. It contains a simple request for information, accompanied by a factual error. Rather than fulfilling request (which could be dispatched in roughly 15 seconds), I fixate on factual error, moving swiftly from assessment of my history with correspondent (contentious, fraught) to speculative analysis of his intent (passive-aggression? none?) to my own response (judgmental, assumptive). Briefly reflect on the subject of mirrors. Succumb to mounting moral indignation over misguided accusation of imprecision, and begin hashing out a reply.

6. Catch myself acting like horse's ass and save email to "drafts" folder. Win!

7. Read next email. It is an autoresponse from a company whose product I downloaded for trial yesterday during a promotion. Robo-mail notes that I have not replied, and extends grace period of an additional 24 hours, but at what looks like a reduced percentage off. Simultaneously pulled toward the deal and suspicious that it is less of a deal than offered yesterday. Consider going through "Trash" folder, then realize I emptied it last night in obsessive-compulsion-fueled panic attack." This series of thoughts apparently creates just enough distance to remind me that I passed on deal yesterday because I'd realized I had zero immediate/projected use for the product. Determine that these needs have likely not changed overnight. Delete email.

8. Open last new email, which contains references to a "branding expert." Briefly wonder why sender of email does not consider me a "branding expert." Tar-pit balloon of mixed gases (anxiety, hurt, anger) bubbles to surface. As it swells, I consider clicking on outbound link to view further information on "branding expert." Miraculously, it pops, covering me with filthy shame, but allowing the clearheaded realization that I have no extra time, ever, to view videos of any "branding expert." Wipe shame from battered psyche. Delete email.

9. Close email client. Win!

10. Find myself staring at browser window previously hidden by document and mail client windows. It contains Amazon affiliate income information. Wonder why Amazon affiliate income is so low. Wonder where I have failed to provide sufficient value for hot clickthru action. Wonder whether, if I do empty my affiliate income stash to buy that Kindle 3G I've been wanting, I will ever earn enough affiliate income to fill Kindle 3G with books. Wonder where my privileged life has gone off the rails that I am spending perfectly good (re)writing time wondering about jerkoff assclown B.S. like Amazon affiliate income and overpriced digital reading devices. Remember that I am supposed to be (re)writing right now.

11. Minimize browser window and maximize document window. Stare at rewrite. Realize I have forgotten to retrieve my writing buddy's notes.

12. Decide to transcribe rabbit-hole behavior, because unpacking things and examining them is only way I have ever learned how to change patterns. Recall Beverly Sills quote I am forever spouting off to others. Sigh inwardly.

13. Decide to post rabbit-hole experience to the blog, after rewriting it.

14. Finish rewriting original rewriting chore, sans writing-buddy notes. Note that the Earth appears to be turning on axis.

15. Post to blog. Wonder if post should have been rewritten further.

xxx
c

Image by Smath. via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

, ,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #26

, ,

two babies in costume staring at each other

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web. Keep up with them day-to-day on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my daily travels. More about the genesis here.

A journalist explains why he is (mostly) giving up being a blogger. [delicious]

A brutal but canny analysis of the "progress" indicated by the types of women gaining "power". (If the obviously sarcastic quotation marks didn't already tip you off, not much.) [Google Reader-ed]

Terrific slide decks that demonstrate the elasticity of the medium. Plus, you'll learn a bunch of cool stuff! [Stumbled via Heather Parlato]

Video proof of the greatest dog ever? [Facebook-ed]

xxx
c

Image by juhansonin via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

, ,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #25

, ,

kid in a darth vader costume

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web during the week here, but which I post on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my travels. More about the genesis here.

Incredibly moving story of how the iPad is changing the world of the disabled.  [delicious-ed, via Daring Fireball]

Hilarious conversation between anthropomorphized iPhones illuminates all. Warning: full of my favorite thing, judicious usage of swears. [Google Reader-ed]

A mom's story of her son deciding to go as "Daphne" from Scooby-Do for Halloween. [Tumbled, via numerous people on Facebook]

Rude, clueless editor gets gigantic wakeup call, Internet-style. [Facebook-ed, of course!]

xxx
c

Image by ScottSimpson via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #20

,

dog staring at two nicely-composed stacks of rocks

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web during the week here, but which I post on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my travels. More about the genesis here.

This recently uncovered silent-film version of a famous showdown from the Star Wars series made me laugh out loud. [Facebook-ed]

The world of early-20th Century Russia seems shockingly modern via these rare, real, not colorized, full-color photos. [delicious-ed, via kung-fu grippe]

I can't begin to untangle the crazy, reblogged merriment that marked my introduction to Undercover Nun, so I'll just point you to the mini-rant it inspired me to add and let you fall back down the rabbit hole on your own. Or, you know, not. [Tumbld, via tj]

Manifesto disguised as analysis rendered as list. [Stumbled]

xxx
c

Image by Jodi Womack via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.