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53 Things I Learned in 2014

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An entire year with nary a post save one, at the very end? O, how the bright-eyed girl of 43 who was posting multiple times per day in 2004 would have laughed had you told her this! Without further ado, we continue this new twist on a 10-year-old tradition with 53 things I learned this year—one thing for each year I am old.

What will the new year bring? What won't it, amirite?

  1. Hair we go again.
  2. What I really need is so much better than what I think I do.
  3. They have that 110-lb. Blood-Donor Rule for a reason.
  4. Giving talks is still fun.
  5. But not as much fun as watching people get it.
  6. Dogs will change your life.
  7. And, sometimes, your livelihood.
  8. And always, your capacity to be patient.
  9. Take the f*cking donuts.
  10. Releasing books almost beats reading them.
  11. Helping your friends make jam is the new helping your friends make quilts.
  12. There's a difference between not doing something wrong and seeking to do things right.
  13. It's all the difference.
  14. William Trevor is dark in the good way.
  15. An evening's walk in the desert is as relaxing as a week's stay in many places.
  16. Vegas, however....
  17. You never know where your next pen pal may come from.
  18. Accidents make the best popsicles.
  19. Theater is one of the smartest things I can say "yes" to.
  20. Especially as it yields hidden treasures.
  21. Cleaning ladies earn every cent of their money.
  22. My new-favorite blogs are all newsletters.
  23. I am absolutely, positively not a copywriter.
  24. For hire.
  25. Making art feels like making love—to yourself.
  26. And you don't need a nap afterward.
  27. Although naps are awesome!
  28. Cauliflower is God's gift to the gut-afflicted.
  29. All the juices just wish they were watermelon & lime juice.
  30. I am adjacent to too much love and greatness not to have done something right.
  31. Spas are not actually torture chambers.
  32. Just when you've given up hope, a savior appears.
  33. And I'm not talking about Angelina Jolie.
  34. Although she is awesome!
  35. Just when you thought you knew everything, bacon in the oven!
  36. I finally get that Chinese saying about being responsible for the life you save.
  37. I also finally get why giving is better.
  38. Especially when you don't feel like it.
  39. Nobody wants a bald chick on their jury panel.
  40. Su-u-uddenly, Scanpan.
  41. If Rob Brezsny didn't exist, we'd have to forecast him.
  42. You do not have to have hair like a girl to dress like one.
  43. I do not miss auditioning.
  44. I always miss acting.
  45. It's a good thing zoodles are not on the side of evil.
  46. It may take 43 years, but one can resuscitate a love of dorky holiday traditions.
  47. My sister was raised right.
  48. The first step in getting to the Beverly Center is knowing where you are right now.
  49. The best day to write is everyday.
  50. The best day to start doing it is today.
  51. Or the today that was your 53rd birthday.
  52. Eyeball beans really do make for a better 12 months.
  53. Eventually, even your crickity YouTube video will be legitimized by a #TBT.

Stay tuned for more, if you like. Happy new year, either way!

xxx c

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52 Things I Learned in 2013

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Did I say that 2012 was a doozy? From that long-ago year's relatively cushy vantage point, I quite literally did not know the half of it. This was the year that the other shoe dropped. I still haven't sorted through 2013's considerable lessons sufficiently to retrieve salient talking points, much less wrangled the time to get them in some kind of order, but trust me when I say that finally, after 52 years, I walk around with the sense that everything is, at its root, just fine. If you were worrying, please stop. And if you weren't worrying, for god's sake, don't start. I mean, I also finally get that what you do is none of my business, but one of this year's lessons was that worry solves exactly nothing. Action, on the other hand....

Alas, 2013 is not the year that sees me returning to the extensive cataloging of yore. On the other hand, I no longer view submitting fewer items than the "full" 100 as some kind of defeat; hell, I barely see it as less-than.

Without further ado, then, here are 52 things that I learned this year—one for each year I am old. A new tradition! For a new year!

  1. Surrender.
  2. No, really: S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R.
  3. Crap, like rust, never sleeps.
  4. Crisp sheets are worth the ironing.
  5. This includes pillowcases.
  6. But not, strangely enough, the bottom sheet.
  7. Pink is my favorite color.
  8. I am more surprised by this than anyone else.
  9. Never underestimate the entertainment value of random shit.
  10. Always let your wig do the heavy lifting.
  11. I'm just not that into Twitter.
  12. People are awesome.
  13. Occasionally, this includes elected officials.
  14. No matter how broke you get, you won't regret what you spent on art.
  15. When in doubt, write like you talk.
  16. But above all, write.
  17. If it came from anywhere other than the place where your legs meet, get it in writing.
  18. Especially if "it" has to do with health insurance deductibles.
  19. More often than not, I'm the dumbest person in the room.
  20. More and more, I'm down with that.
  21. When you have to produce the goods, a dress makes you feel like a million bucks.
  22. Alas, the shoes that'll get you there safely make you look like a tiny duck.
  23. Sign heaven exists, and it's just east of the 110.
  24. I'm not done with acting.
  25. Oh, boy, am I not.
  26. Less gossip = mo' better.
  27. The truth shows up when you least expect it.
  28. True miracles help make more miracles.
  29. Whether you know it or not.
  30. And most of the time, you won't.
  31. Jacarandas!
  32. Death by a thousand cuts works the other way, too.
  33. Stories make more sense the more you tell them.
  34. Getting old means everything seems like it happened yesterday.
  35. If it's good and it's loving, it's a "yes".
  36. The journey of 3,798,493 steps starts with a single Fitbit.
  37. A solid deadline beats good intentions every time.
  38. The cure for loneliness is not more "me"-time.
  39. You meet the strangest people opting-out.
  40. Parties aren't the worst way to ring in the new year.
  41. Subscribing to just one magazine is okay if there's just one you want to read.
  42. The undocumented life is well worth living.
  43. It's okay to ask for help.
  44. No, really: IT'S O-K-A-Y.
  45. Heaven on Earth is a voice lifted in song.
  46. This is the last year Facebook puts together a better highlights reel than I do.
  47. Those Buddhists know a thing or two about a thing or two.
  48. Getting fired feels horrible.
  49. Reconciling yourself to it with grace, however, almost compensates.
  50. Almost.
  51. There will never be a "done".
  52. There will never be a day when this doesn't make that a little easier to bear.

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51 Things I Learned in 2012

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This year has been longest I can recall in the decades since they started flying by. It has challenged me in ways I could not have predicted even twelve months ago, when I foolishly thought I'd mapped the full landscape of challenges. Much of what I've experienced I have not been able to share, partly owing to a lack of adequate processing, partly due to exhaustion, and partly, I'm afraid, because of Facebook. It is perilously easy to let social media drive, and to content oneself with lobbing the occasional comment (or cold French fry) from the backseat.

Which is why this year almost became the one in which I did not do a List. How could I, when so many of my lessons have been private? And why bother, when, for the rest of it, I can just direct you to My 20 Biggest Moments (as chosen by Al Gore Ithym)? Sure, it's lazy, ill-managed, and trite, but have you seen Congress lately?

Then it occurred to me: what better way to exercise my new-found and very-hard-won habit of doing things imperfectly than sharing a smaller, less hilarious list? If people unsubscribe in droves, well, less pressure moving forward, amirite?

So here, for the first time ever, a list of the 51 things I learned over the past year. Slightly more than half, far short of "perfection", and a fine symmetry with years lived.

May 2013 be the year of your dreams, whatever those may be.

xxx c

  1. Just when you start to doubt it, the internet reminds you of how hard it rocks.
  2. And by "the internet", I mean "the people on the internet".
  3. And the internet.
  4. "Humbling" does not equal "humiliating".
  5. Traveling for work is the most exhausting perk you'll ever love.
  6. I should have been reading The Sun 20 years ago.
  7. You of the Past will always overestimate the willingness of You of the Future.
  8. There are worse afflictions than terminal earnestness.
  9. No. More. Scarves.
  10. Falling behind has its compensations.
  11. That Joni Mitchell song about taxis and parking lots also applies to gumlines.
  12. And savings accounts.
  13. But, oddly enough, not to hair.
  14. Instagr—wait, I mean Flickr.
  15. The most expedient way to learn about yourself is to have smart people ask you questions.
  16. Shaving your head dramatically reduces your dating opportunities.
  17. But sharply increases photo ops.
  18. A little lighting makes a big difference.
  19. God will wait until you're good and ready.
  20. Or maybe just ready.
  21. Fuck manicures.
  22. New Orleans is a thousand times better than I ever imagined.
  23. Except for Bourbon Street, which is a hundred-million-billion times worse.
  24. Hormones are nature's way of saying "That'll be $80 a month, please."
  25. New York never misses you.
  26. Eventually, you stop caring.
  27. The universal cure for what ails you is a Dole Whip in the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room.
  28. Giving blood feels as restorative as getting blood.
  29. Nothing beats hanging out with old friends.
  30. But stumbling across their new books runs a close second.
  31. A bad video can be too long at a minute.
  32. A great play can be too short at eight hours.
  33. Victory tastes even sweeter when it's Sugar's.
  34. I love playing an asshole.
  35. But I make a much funnier loser.
  36. Gelson's has the best air-conditioning.
  37. Also, the best egg salad.
  38. And, unfortunately, the loudest televisions.
  39. TEDx is the new "done".
  40. A Breville tea kettle will change your life.
  41. Not to mention strip the paint off of your kitchen cabinets.
  42. It's only foreign until you do it once.
  43. Receiving accolades is surprisingly less fun than doing the things that earn them.
  44. A professional knife sharpening is worth its weight in Band-Aids.
  45. Sometimes the best thing you can do is almost nothing at all.
  46. Or at least, what looks like nothing to the outside world.
  47. Besides, I wasn't not blogging; I was helping you maintain your information diet.
  48. Beginnings are always lovely.
  49. Cancer still sucks.
  50. Things change.
  51. But when they don't change fast enough—which is almost always—this helps.

See you next year!

2011

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Photo of me and shave artist supreme, Brandon Massengale, by some other person at Bolt Barbers, West Hollywood.

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100 Things I Learned in 2011, Part 2 [50-for-50 edition]

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You know what you learn when you do a review of the back half of a year in which you did a massive, 50-day-long fundraising thing-a-majiggy? That it takes WAY MORE than the actual 50 days to do it. Seriously. There's a full six months of my life (and counting) that's all 50-for-50! 50-for-50! 50-for-50!

So here's a one-time-only, half-of-100-things list devoted (almost) exclusively to my biggest teacher ever.

In other non-news, good lord—no wonder I need a nap.

  1. "Possible" lives next door to "impossible."
  2. Neither one can be routed on Google Maps.
  3. Goddamn right it takes a goddamn village.
  4. The "O" word isn't as magical as the "S" word.
  5. Or the "P," "A," "G," "M" and "B" words.
  6. Not to mention the "DLP" and "WCWW" words.
  7. But some of the biggest movers live quietly behind the scenes.
  8. Appliances don't give a crap about deadlines.
  9. That goes double for #@$% hackers.
  10. A $25 haircut isn't as bad as you'd think.
  11. But it can't touch a $50,000 one.
  12. Swears look better neatly stitched.
  13. Or covering your naughty bits.
  14. The breaks you think you can't take are the most necessary.
  15. Flip-flops and street lamps don't mix.
  16. Neither do shaved heads and anything loose and flowing.
  17. Unless you're aiming for "Buddhist nun."
  18. You really do lose 80% of your heat through your head.
  19. Banjo makes everything better.
  20. Self-deprecating humor doesn't hurt, either.
  21. But I'm pretty sure puppies trump everything.
  22. Make time to shred.
  23. Before you shave, moisturize.
  24. After you shave, moisturize.
  25. Everyone loves a good cry.
  26. And a photobooth.
  27. And flan.
  28. Even the ones who don't think they do.
  29. Recovery takes longer than you think.
  30. Definitely longer than the two weeks you've allotted on your calendar.
  31. Getting back to work doesn't always involve work.
  32. Unless you count "play" as work.
  33. WHICH IT TOTALLY #!$&@ IS.
  34. So are massages.
  35. (I know, I know.)
  36. The first thing that goes is reading.
  37. The next thing is blogging.
  38. And finally, when you think it's all over, newsletter-ing.
  39. Dating feels different on the other side of 50.
  40. And when the only hair color you can check is "None."
  41. And you're in no hurry to check any other box.
  42. We won (one category)! We won (one category)!
  43. It feels good to be in GOOD.
  44. I finally know what the Facebook timeline is good for.
  45. Which means they're bound to screw it up before December of 2012.
  46. People love a good story.
  47. With a happy ending.
  48. But watch out for those impromptu pig-whistling lessons.
  49. You can't repay kindness.
  50. Pass it on.

See you next year!

2011

2010

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2004

Awesome hat a handmade gift of the awesome Sarah Clinton, community manager for the awesome Richmond Animal League. If you enjoyed this post, go make an end-of-year contribution to them! Or to WriteGirl! And buy yourself something from Amazon while you're at it—that'll help keep the lights on here. And hey, HAPPY NEW YEAR to you!

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100 Things I Learned in 2011, Part 1

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the author revealing a pit stain while "dancing" I, for one, am flummoxed. Also, baffled, perplexed, confounded, and generally mystified.

No sooner do I finish off my list of 100 things for 2010 than I'm sitting down to do it again. How is this possible? Who is stealing this time? And for the love of all that's holy, PUT IT BACK.

Well, no matter. While some days it seemed like this entire year was one long beg-a-thon, upon closer scrutiny, a few other things did, apparently, happen. Who knew?!

Of course, I'm not at all sure how much I learned from any of them, but oh, well—tomorrow is another year, right? Hahaha! Also, GET OFF MY LAWN. (If one does not earn the right to say that at 50, I hardly see the point of birthdays.)

Okay, then! Here we go...

  1. There's nothing better than doing work you love.
  2. Except getting paid for it.
  3. And possibly, being able to succinctly describe it.
  4. Pay for the nonstop flight.
  5. You will, anyway.
  6. Comedians make the best philosophers.
  7. But nerds make the funniest ones.
  8. Menopause is Latin for "You're never more than one marshmallow away from your fat pants."
  9. Balance is more of a journey than a destination.
  10. Writing better takes longer.
  11. But writing longer doesn't guarantee "better."
  12. Making it a miracle anything gets written, ever.
  13. Instagram won.
  14. For now.
  15. Fear does not disappear with experience.
  16. It does, however, don a series of increasingly exotic and beguiling outfits with which to confuse and/or bewitch one.
  17. Never underestimate the rejuvenating effect of punctuation.
  18. The shortest route between you and 6-year-old you is the Soap Lady.
  19. I still get distracted incredibly easil—holy crap, is that a new iPhone grocery app?
  20. Goals, like food, work better with portion control.
  21. And on smaller plates.
  22. Stories are my favorite "content".
  23. Times 3, times 365.
  24. The only thing better than going on hiatus may be coming off of it.
  25. That doesn't mean I don't want to do them both again.
  26. Just less far apart.
  27. It doesn't have to be human for you to Facebook-stalk it.
  28. I love weddings.
  29. Especially when they belong to other people.
  30. Or better yet, all the people.
  31. Portland is even better in the summer.
  32. And on foot.
  33. And when you improvise.
  34. Fear is my all-time muse di tutti muses.
  35. But I am envy's bitch.
  36. They should call it "Southwest Fairlines".
  37. "Together/single" is less "better/worse" than it is "apples/oranges".
  38. The quickest route to self-knowledge is a good interviewer.
  39. The only thing more fun than a Justin Tanner play is turning someone on to a Justin Tanner play.
  40. Or turning everyone on to a Justin Tanner aphorism.
  41. You can have too much of a good thing.
  42. Fortunately, someone is always making new good things.
  43. Unfortunately, that doesn't extend to everything.
  44. Roger Ebert's taste in movies extends to music videos.
  45. Thievery rocks.
  46. I have the world's worst gaydar.
  47. I'm not the only one fed up with the constant happy of Facebook.
  48. Not to mention those stupid inspirational quotes.
  49. But fixing the Internet is complicated.
  50. Fortunately, fixing your reactions to it is simple.

Look for Part II later this week! In the meantime, remembrances of years past:

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100 Things I Learned in 2010, Part 2

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caricature of the author by the artist Walt Taylor This year didn't kick my ass so much as it snuck up behind me, whispered in my ear it would kill me if I made so much as a wrong move, and slipped off into the night before I could make out what the fuck it looked like. This year was easily the worst since I got sucker-punched by 2002.

Still. This year could have been SO much worse. I know this. I mean, I forgot this, but then I remembered, and so sometime a month or two ago, I started making another kind of list, of things I was really, really lucky to have. Stuff like friends and health (especially when I got it back) and relative solvency, of course, but also stuff like "sunshine!" or "rain!" or "electricity!" (Although electricity mixed with rain, not so much.)

My point is this: I write because I have to, but I also am never far from realizing I write because I get to. As in, "I am alive for now, and living people GET TO WRITE."

So as this year draws to a close, I reiterate: I am alive for now. LIVING PEOPLE GET TO (fill in your Thing of Choice  here.) For my part, I am grateful for this year, and pledge to try my best not to slip out of gratitude for too long at any one point during the next.

Besides, sometimes the shittiest years bear the greatest fruits. Fertilizer, yadda yadda.

May you gently lay to rest your previous year, and rest your arms to open themselves widely to the next. Thank you, and I hope we'll see each other in 2011!

xxx c

  1. It's hell in the hallway.
  2. Never judge a bra by his cover.
  3. My sign-painting obsession is not an anomaly.
  4. Hypnosis feels like cheating on your pain.
  5. But it hurts so good.
  6. There's almost no mood that 100 miles of open road and a "singalong" playlist can't fix.
  7. Keep that comfort television toward the top of the queue, too.
  8. Habits before tools.
  9. Fun has a high switching cost, but a stunning overall ROI.
  10. Compassionate understanding is more effective than strict punishment.
  11. Although neatly-drawn boundaries come in mighty handy.
  12. Halve the meat.
  13. Double the veggies.
  14. Deep-six the carbs.
  15. Anyone who says you can have it all, doesn't.
  16. Everyone loves a good hack.
  17. And a peek at someone else's setup.
  18. The answer to more things than not is "less."
  19. (Underwear and socks, excepted.)
  20. Lemongrass is magic.
  21. Hippie "deodorant" is the toiletries equivalent of the "CLOSE DOOR" button on the elevator.
  22. When it comes to inboxes, "zero" is a journey, not a destination.
  23. Unloading beats acquiring, hands-down.
  24. Facebook is the best thing to happen to birthdays since cake.
  25. Coconut is the best thing to happen to Larabars since Larabars.
  26. Hotels are worth it.
  27. That goes double re: springing for the single.
  28. If you're not paying for the service, you're the product being sold.
  29. An open jar is an empty jar.
  30. Discovering bona fide Christians could almost restore one's faith.
  31. I may never be immortalized in ink.
  32. Vinyl, however, is another story.
  33. With a rather bittersweet ending.
  34. There are angels all around you, if you know where to not look.
  35. Slow leaks cause steadily mounting anxiety.
  36. There's no news like really fucking great news.
  37. Ask around all you want, but you already know what you need to do next.
  38. Sorry, not that.
  39. Yes, that.
  40. Don't forget the Epsom salts.
  41. There's no free qi.
  42. Misery (still) loves company.
  43. Muppets (still) rule.
  44. For good or for ill, you're making a difference.
  45. Less video.
  46. More music.
  47. Crushes are better in individual serving sizes.
  48. Troubles are better shared.
  49. Fear is a yellow light, not a red one.
  50. When life lets up, you're probably not living it anymore.

Yup. This 100-things thing is indeed an annual thing:

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Magnificent drawing of yours truly, the clown, © Wally Torta, gentleman and scholar.

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100 Things I Learned in 2010, Part 1

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Amy Jane Gruber and the author by John Gruber I know that normal people marvel over how fast time flies when they see Rite Aid putting out the holiday tchotchkes in July or read stories of their college roommates' babies get busted for dealing meth, but I'll tell you what, nothin' sez "Old timer!" to this old timer like posting your SEVENTH annual "Things I Learned in Whatever Year" to your blog.

This year was not an easy year for many people. On the other hand, easy years are rarely memorable ones. And, as my memory ain't what it used to be (I think), maybe I'm better off with a "challenging" year.

Part 2 coming at you on Thursday...

xxx

c

  1. Love is easy.
  2. Forgiveness is hard.
  3. Which means that actually, love isn't easy at all.
  4. December is way more fun when you do it in January.
  5. The best slide shows present you.
  6. To get down with the future, meet the kids who'll be running it.
  7. For someone who never liked dogs, I sure turned out to like dogs.
  8. Then again, no one told me they had medicinal properties.
  9. You're never too old to learn how much you have yet to learn.
  10. Or too good to make light of it.
  11. The way to read a lot of books is 40pp at a time.
  12. If you build it, they will cum.
  13. You may never work harder than the year you don't "work."
  14. Exhaustion is the true mother of invention.
  15. The two greatest blogs about change are newsletters.
  16. But the king is the king for a reason.
  17. There will never be enough hours in a day.
  18. I don't know why or how, but wishing works.
  19. I finally have enough author friends to form a football team.
  20. And 2011 is bringing in some strong starters.
  21. As for me, we'd better hope those Mayans were wrong.
  22. Car washes are infinitely better when you add free magazines.
  23. Everything is infinitely better when you add hot guys.
  24. The best pictures are inevitably the worst pictures.
  25. When it comes to chasing, I give up.
  26. Uniforms rock.
  27. Pen pals rule.
  28. Nothing underlines the need for self-love like a run-in with one's inner shithead.
  29. At a certain point, "procrastination" becomes simply "one's working style."
  30. The biggest learning is in the doing.
  31. Cheap is beautiful.
  32. Ice cream is better than gossip. For everyone.
  33. You'll hate half of what you try.
  34. If you're incredibly lucky.
  35. And unusually diligent.
  36. Feminism and heat are not mutually exclusive.
  37. I'd walk a thousand miles for a singular comment.
  38. Two thousand, if the comment comes from the elusive Dan Owen.
  39. I like my books like I like my eggs: hard-boiled.
  40. The biggest skies are the hardest to get to.
  41. But when you hitch the right ride, they're beyond worth it.
  42. Maybe video ain't so bad.
  43. When life won't buy your lemons, offer it lemonade.
  44. On the other hand, when assholes spill oil, set them on fire.
  45. Although some of them are pretty good at self-immolation.
  46. Nothing feels as good as true service.
  47. Belly laughs run a close, close second.
  48. Then again, these days, belly laughs are the highest form of service.
  49. Social media is dead.
  50. Long live social media.

Part II is here. And have I mentioned that I've been doing this 100-things thing for SEVEN years now?

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Photo © John Gruber via Flickr.

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Derailment, deconstructed

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diorama of alice chasing white rabbit down hole

1. Launch writing program to begin rewriting work for the day.

2. Work on rewrite for 10 minutes. Hit snag, and decide I need grounding exercise writing buddy created for me last week when I hit previous rewriting snag.

3. Open email client to track down writing buddy's note, because I appear to have willfully refused to keep the usual three or four redundant copies handy, and email is the only place I know I can find a copy.

4. Note new email in inbox!

5. Read first new email. It contains a simple request for information, accompanied by a factual error. Rather than fulfilling request (which could be dispatched in roughly 15 seconds), I fixate on factual error, moving swiftly from assessment of my history with correspondent (contentious, fraught) to speculative analysis of his intent (passive-aggression? none?) to my own response (judgmental, assumptive). Briefly reflect on the subject of mirrors. Succumb to mounting moral indignation over misguided accusation of imprecision, and begin hashing out a reply.

6. Catch myself acting like horse's ass and save email to "drafts" folder. Win!

7. Read next email. It is an autoresponse from a company whose product I downloaded for trial yesterday during a promotion. Robo-mail notes that I have not replied, and extends grace period of an additional 24 hours, but at what looks like a reduced percentage off. Simultaneously pulled toward the deal and suspicious that it is less of a deal than offered yesterday. Consider going through "Trash" folder, then realize I emptied it last night in obsessive-compulsion-fueled panic attack." This series of thoughts apparently creates just enough distance to remind me that I passed on deal yesterday because I'd realized I had zero immediate/projected use for the product. Determine that these needs have likely not changed overnight. Delete email.

8. Open last new email, which contains references to a "branding expert." Briefly wonder why sender of email does not consider me a "branding expert." Tar-pit balloon of mixed gases (anxiety, hurt, anger) bubbles to surface. As it swells, I consider clicking on outbound link to view further information on "branding expert." Miraculously, it pops, covering me with filthy shame, but allowing the clearheaded realization that I have no extra time, ever, to view videos of any "branding expert." Wipe shame from battered psyche. Delete email.

9. Close email client. Win!

10. Find myself staring at browser window previously hidden by document and mail client windows. It contains Amazon affiliate income information. Wonder why Amazon affiliate income is so low. Wonder where I have failed to provide sufficient value for hot clickthru action. Wonder whether, if I do empty my affiliate income stash to buy that Kindle 3G I've been wanting, I will ever earn enough affiliate income to fill Kindle 3G with books. Wonder where my privileged life has gone off the rails that I am spending perfectly good (re)writing time wondering about jerkoff assclown B.S. like Amazon affiliate income and overpriced digital reading devices. Remember that I am supposed to be (re)writing right now.

11. Minimize browser window and maximize document window. Stare at rewrite. Realize I have forgotten to retrieve my writing buddy's notes.

12. Decide to transcribe rabbit-hole behavior, because unpacking things and examining them is only way I have ever learned how to change patterns. Recall Beverly Sills quote I am forever spouting off to others. Sigh inwardly.

13. Decide to post rabbit-hole experience to the blog, after rewriting it.

14. Finish rewriting original rewriting chore, sans writing-buddy notes. Note that the Earth appears to be turning on axis.

15. Post to blog. Wonder if post should have been rewritten further.

xxx
c

Image by Smath. via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Frrrrriday Rrrrroundup! #10

tiny toy cowboy figure with lasso

An end-of-weekly roundup collecting fffffive of the fffffantabulous things I find stumbling around the web during the week here, but which I post on one of the many other Internet outlets I stop by (or tweet at) during my travels. More about the genesis here.

If you need a little cheering-up about the future of our world, look no further than this YouTube capture of a 17-year-old girl playing one of the stage's most gloriously complex and robust middle-aged characters, Mama Rose. [Facebook-ed, via Taylor Negron].

And if you need your faith restored in the prodigious power of grownups to effect change, check out the book trailer on the site of one Heather Anne McIntosh, three of whose children were diagnosed with autism.  [delicious-ed]

My friend, Hiro Boga, wrote a magnificent essay on grappling with losses too big to comprehend, much less process. [Stumbled, via Danielle LaPorte on Facebook]

No matter what you think of Joan Rivers, you'll think of her with greater respect after reading this New York magazine piece. [Tumbld]

I am dog-crazy in general, but I'm developing a particular crush on Rupert. Maybe it's the way he pronounces "Nicaragua." [Flickr-faved]

xxx
c

Image by williac via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

100 Things I Learned in 2009, Part 2

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redacted_elchupacabrito.jpg

Wherein I (once again) attempt to show that one is never too old—or middle-aged, anyway—to learn. Or spout off about it. Part 1 here, in case you missed it.

xxx c

  1. Making something short takes a long, long time.
  2. And still provides a disproportionately large ROI.
  3. To love is to serve.
  4. Idiocy can inspire genius.
  5. Podcasting is more fun than I thought it would be.
  6. Screencasts are more fun for everyone than I thought they would be.
  7. Writing for a year seems to take two.
  8. Less is the new more.
  9. If you don't like what's on TV, change it.
  10. Never stop growing.
  11. Especially when you want to.
  12. The world's new-greatest radio station is YouTube.
  13. Time Warner needs a good kick in the 'nads.
  14. You don't have to like your teachers to learn from them.
  15. In fact, you learn more if you don't.
  16. I'm better at wrangling than I thought.
  17. I'm smart enough to acknowledge that and move on.
  18. Well, mostly.
  19. When they say "stop to put on snow chains," they mean it.
  20. If anyone is selling answers, run.
  21. Clicking offline is the payoff for all the click-click-clicking online.
  22. (And I mean click-click-clicking.)
  23. Hilarity is less important than sanity.
  24. Skype will be to Vonage as Vonage was to PacBell.
  25. And it can't be it soon enough.
  26. The best way to write about marketing might just be in verse.
  27. There's a reason Einstein and Uncle Steve wear the same thing every day.
  28. Consumables are the best gifts.
  29. Cash is the best consumable.
  30. With the possible exception of The Pears.
  31. And PIE.
  32. Keep your tools sharp.
  33. The bear gets his days at the table, too.
  34. The impulse to give away is almost never wrong.
  35. The impulse to take on, not so much.
  36. It is not what it cost you, but what it costs you now.
  37. At a certain age, knits should be loose.
  38. Their hatred is never about you.
  39. And vice versa, hot stuff.
  40. You cannot live well in two places.
  41. The road to hell is paved with drive-thru windows.
  42. Wealth really is a state of mind.
  43. Wellness, on the other hand, requires peeling your ass from the couch.
  44. "No, thank you" may be the most delicious phrase in the English language.
  45. Followed by "delete all" and "forward to voice mail."
  46. Silence is platinum.
  47. $10 a month for faxing works out to $60 per fax.
  48. .Me, you're next.
  49. Collaboration is AWESOME.
  50. So is having your 1,000th post land on New Year's Eve Eve.

New here? Or just uninspired to check the back catalog until now? I live to serve!

2009

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

,

100 Things I Learned in 2009, Part 1

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colleenamplified_technotheory How about we start off this year's list with a riddle:

Q: What's harder than writing your annual 100 Things list?

A: Writing it after a year of blogging every day, plus once weekly somewhere else, plus writing a monthly column, plus writing another monthly newsletter, plus tweeting, plus Facebooking, plus whatever other goddamned writing-type stuff that I do in the course of my non-writing work.

You'd think all of that writing would prime me for some kickass listmaking: all that material! All spelled out, organized and time-stamped! Because hey! I'm a Virgo, right? But you'd be wrong. Hours and hours' worth of 100% wrong.

Still, this is one of those exercises I derive a great deal of value from that other people seem to enjoy as well. Your win-win, if you will. So without further ado, here you goo.

Go. I meant "go."

Oy, has this been a long year...

xxx c

  1. You're never too old to be a nimrod.
  2. Or less of one.
  3. Or, thanks to Mike Monteiro, out yourself as one.
  4. Malcolm Gladwell is even hotter in person.
  5. Kermit didn't know how right he was.
  6. Beginnings are lovely.
  7. But endings have a kind of mature élan.
  8. Boulders suck infinitely less c*ck when you mock them.
  9. Especially when you do it in 2/4 time.
  10. But I still wish I could see the top of this motherf*cking hill.
  11. The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single purse-cleaning.
  12. Even a comments thread can be a collaborative work of genius.
  13. If you think your period is annoying, wait until you slide into a full stop.
  14. For that matter, wait until I do.
  15. My estimator is still bigger than my actualizer.
  16. Blogs are going the way of the buggy whip.
  17. So stick a sarsaparilla in my arthritic claw and call me "Granny."
  18. I love Hulu, but I will pay for Netflix.
  19. When the going gets tough, refer your ass off.
  20. SXSW doesn't get older: it gets better.
  21. Okay, it gets older and better.
  22. But mostly better.
  23. A second screen is worth its weight in third computers.
  24. Burning out on words is where poetry begins.
  25. Everyone has her price.
  26. Mine, apparently, is a whopping 4%.
  27. I will never become my best until I stop trying to be the biggest.
  28. It really is nicer to give than to receive.
  29. Making things is great.
  30. Making things because you must is sublime.
  31. Most of my favorite places are islands of awesome in a sea of shit.
  32. Nei kung puts the "whee!" in chi.
  33. "Meat salad" is not an oxymoron.
  34. Or a euphemism.
  35. (Outside the pokey, anyway.)
  36. Anything can be art.
  37. You can learn at least as much about yourself from the lists you don't write as the ones you do.
  38. There's nothing better than reading a great book.
  39. Except for reading a great book by someone you know.
  40. Commitment is still the sound of prison doors slamming shut.
  41. I'll run out of money before I run out of money for art.
  42. Tina Fey is every bit as good as they said she was.
  43. No, better.
  44. It is much harder to figure out how to get somewhere when you don't know what "there" looks like.
  45. That goddamn Yehuda Berg is a smart dude.
  46. Goddamn him.
  47. The best way to save time is to buy more of it.
  48. Dollar for entertainment dollar, you cannot beat what came out of Judy Garland's twat.
  49. Just don't bring it up over Christmas dinner.
  50. Sometimes, the good guys win.

Next installment: Wednesday, December 30th! Can't wait? Luckily for you, I've been doing this crazy sh*t for five years!

 

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

Image by Jared Goralnick (@technotheory) via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Goodie Bag: The Mind Jog List

weirdgirlmindjog_PinkSherbetPhotography

So far, 2009 has been Year of Busting Hump: all very well and good, but even the hump-bustingest of hump-busters has to have some kind of steam valve with which to ventilate every once in awhile.

Since much of my hump-busting time is spent in front of a computer monitor on my, um, hump, I try my best to take actual physical breaks where possible. Rolling around with Arno J. for a few minutes is always a good way to shake things off, but when you've been sitting awhile, even cleaning off a sink top or throwing a load of laundry in the washer can feel good. Unlike a lot of the big, fat, hairy projects I work on, a small physical action both gets me up and gets something actually completed (praise the Lord and pass the lemonade) in a short period of time.

Sometimes, however, like all nerds, I just want to veg for a few moments in front of my beloved, shiny iMac screen. Because that big, shiny screen should not be solely associated with work: it should, sometimes, scream, "FUN." I've been sharing the best of these must-see sites in my monthly newsletter for...well, as long as I've been putting out the newsletter.

But long, long ago, before I ever knew I'd have a newsletter, much less some kind of business to write about, I created a little folder on my browser toolbar called "mind jog" (which, come to think about it, I wrote about in a newsletter. Cue Twilight Zone theme.) I got a little stuck in my seat over the weekend, so I thought I'd go through it and pull out the best of what's there both to share some cool stuff and to maybe give you ideas about what you might go about collecting to amuse yourself in your minute slices of spare time.

And YES, I know that now there's Twitter and Facebook and a million other social web outlets in which to fritter away your time. I also know that sometimes, you don't want to go where everyone knows your name, you just want to chill with some cool stuff and me me me time. So without further ado...

Selected Contents from Colleen's Mind-Jog Folder on her Browser Toolbar

  • Michael Vance's Book Notes God, I love this guy. He summarizes all of the books he reads into concise, mainly bulleted notes, and shares them. I guess they're up there for him to remember, but what a service to the world! Lots of business-y stuff, but also stuff on communication, writing and the enemy category of GTD, "Miscellaneous"
  • Why They Hate Us Just hilarious, horrible pictures. Like a miniature StumbleUpon where the category is "American excess."
  • Top 10 Creativity Boosters A lot of these you probably know, but still, sometimes nothing can get you out of a creative rut faster than stuff specifically designed to get you out of a creative rut. Dave Jeffreys pulled the original site down, but it's still there thanks to the magic of the Wayback Machine.
  • Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools Sure, you can subscribe to this via RSS. But really, do you need to be kept up to date on EVERY cool thing to buy? I like dipping in here and there with Kevin's site; maybe you have a similar kind of site you can move from your RSS feed (where, let's face it, you're in danger of getting sucked down the rabbit hole) to your local mind jog folder.
  • Susan Miller's Astrology Zone Ridiculously long and detailed monthly entries on your sign's forecast. Personally, even though I have fun with the whole Virgo thing in my tagline, I'm really not a huge one for astrology. But every once in a while, as a lark? Sure! Fun! (Note to Virgos: it might not be so fun to read your forecast right now. September is gonna suck eggs, so much so that she warns us repeatedly in August. Just sayin'.
  • iSerenity wind chimes I've pimped this site before in my newsletter, and I really like to work with the library sound. But the wind chimes out of nowhere are like a big breath of "Aaaaahhh...", so I think they deserve their own mention here.
  • Singles Home Exchange International Kind of my version of real estate or vacation pr0n, I like browsing this occasionally to see what's out there. Not that many people would want to trade my tiny crib for their gorgeous condo by the whatever, but it's fun. And free.
  • "Music Only" for your iTunes playlist One other excellent, hyper-productive kind of mind jog can be taking a break from a big, gnarly project of one type, writing, say, or coding, or designing, and doing a fun-extra bit of "work." I save stuff like this with various tags in delicious (my snarl of bookmark tags is a mind jog project in and of itself) but I'm thinking of moving them over to the browser. Or maybe I'll just bring the ones I have locally, like this one for organizing your iTunes for better efficiency, over to delicious. Decisions, decisions...
  • Dog Licking Screen Because sometimes, you just need a smile, goddammit. (I keep YouTube folders called "Funny" and "Cute as a Basket of Kittens" for when I get bummed, too.)

Of course, another mind jog is just pruning one's toolbar. So to speak. Because like anything else, it can get musty and outdated, too. And nothing is more of a buzzkill than reaching into your mind jog folder and pulling out a big can of 404 page. Bleh.

Okay, now it's payback time: what are your favorite mind jog sites? Summaries and links in the comments section, puh-leeze!

xxx
c

Image by Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

,

100 Things I Learned in 2008, Part II

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homesick_merlinmann I know! I know! You've been on pins and needles, those of you not on tenterhooks. (Go on, click. I didn't know what they were, either.)

Here's the second half of my Sweetly Grouchy Look Back at 2008. Which, to wrap it up in a sentence, wasn't bad, exactly, but felt an awful lot like having a baby elephant: a long time in coming, and at the end of it, you end up with...another elephant*. (Although, hey, I guess if you're the Mother Elephant, that's a good thing.)

All right! Enough of this jibber-jabber! Let's get on with the main event.

And hey, if I don't see you before then? Have yourself a merry little new year!

xxx c

  1. Never schedule a haircut while your stylist is going through a divorce.
  2. The new stuff of today is the #@%*! crap of tomorrow.
  3. There's no place like home.
  4. Especially when I'm the only one in it.
  5. Although visitors of both the two- and four-legged variety are welcome.
  6. Money is AWESOME.
  7. When the action is "networking," the equal and opposite reaction is "cave time."
  8. A multitude of puzzlements are made clear after spending a little quality time meditating on the size of the left half of the IQ curve.
  9. Backup.
  10. Backup.
  11. Backup.
  12. Just because something is the opportunity of a lifetime doesn't mean it's the opportunity for you.
  13. Blogging is nice, but it's good to be in print.
  14. Doing stuff is a lot harder than naming stuff.
  15. Root canals are every bit as horrifying as you've been led to believe.
  16. And twice as expensive.
  17. And my previous dentist? IS AN ASSHOLE.
  18. Consistency may be the hobgoblin of little minds, but without it, your filing system might as well be on Jell-O.
  19. White people love their fifteen minutes.
  20. Having principles can be costly.
  21. Because, like the old saw about divorce, they're worth it.
  22. Once you let your freak flag fly, it's hard to put it back in mothballs.
  23. Never underestimate the power of a good subject line.
  24. If I'd gotten what I wanted at 22, I'd be dead by now.
  25. Ditto 25, 28, 31, 35 and 40.
  26. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm ready today.
  27. In order to get anything meaningful out of your life, you have to be ruthless about what you let into it.
  28. Don't try to manage anyone else's expectations until you've got a firm grip on your own.
  29. Bread is the devil.
  30. The lovely, lovely devil in white vinyl hot pants and a push-up bra.
  31. There are two things you can never have too much of, and one of them is music.
  32. Random acts of kindness happen far more often than you have your eyes open to see them.
  33. Underwear stretches.
  34. A lot.
  35. Denuding your toiletries of their signage is a subversive delight.
  36. Surprisingly, it also makes performing your ablutions more enjoyable.
  37. Provided you have a good memory.
  38. There are many reasons to own Photoshop, but making people laugh is numero uno.
  39. When in doubt, engage in a little manual labor.
  40. Preferably the kind that makes the world a better place.
  41. "The world" being anything from your sock drawer to...well, the world.
  42. I'm going to make a fantastic old lady.
  43. Buy art.
  44. Even if you're broke.
  45. Especially if you're broke.
  46. If you don't hang out with your betters, you'll get worse.
  47. Fortunately, the opposite also holds true.
  48. If you really figure out where you're really supposed to be, that you found it out late won't mean a damn.
  49. For better or worse, 2009 can't possibly be anything but incredible.
  50. I'm not nothing without you, but I'm sure as hell glad you're here!

Next 100 Things: December 2009! In the meantime, you can still enjoy the even more distant past:

2008

2007

2006

2005

2004

*None of which has to do with the fine photo illustrating this post, which is most clearly not of an elephant but rather that pachyderm beloved of French and non-French Absurdists alike, the rhinoceros. And because you may not click through (hey! you're busy!), I'll give you the title of the photo right here:

"Homesick," by Merlin Mann via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Someday, I really need to do a post on the use of illustrations in text. Or at least, of the way I use illustrations in text. It might be illuminating. Just like illustrations are supposed to be...

,

100 Things I Learned in 2008, Part I

,

I love lists.

Making them is soothing, stimulating and illuminating all at once. (Also, a hands-on lesson in the old saw that making something look easy is hard work.)

I'm not sure how good this year's list is; honestly, I think that having so much social media in my life has acted as kind of a steam valve for my one-offs, instead of serving as a record of the past year's minor frustrations, accomplishments and general oddities. But I gave it a go because dammit, that's the kind of gal I am.

So without further ado, I give you my year in a list, Part the First. Enjoy!

xxx c

  1. When in doubt, throw shit out.
  2. Always be reading.
  3. It takes a (global, electronic) village to make a video.
  4. The iPhone is like a unicorn that actually exists.
  5. With magic ruby peonies woven into its mane.
  6. And a double ice cream rainbow in the background lighting the way.
  7. Facebook is still the AOL of social media platforms.
  8. Sometime in the middle of this year, that became a good thing.
  9. The shortest distance between you and regular exercise is a youngish dog.
  10. She who makes fun of LOST is doomed to become addicted to it.
  11. It sucks that making the logical, mature decision is considered a miracle.
  12. But that does not diminish the awesomeness of it happening.
  13. Working is easy; focusing is hard.
  14. A good bra is like money in the bank.
  15. Only it's not, because good bras are REALLY expensive.
  16. And banks are, like, not so good with the money, as it turns out.
  17. Have a plan, but make it a loose one.
  18. Learn to say "no" or die buried under your crushing pile of well-intentioned "yes"-es.
  19. The Wire may be the most clearheaded depiction of America since The Godfather.
  20. When in doubt, just add water.
  21. And coffee.
  22. Lots and lots of coffee.
  23. Change takes longer than you think it will, but is generally worth the wait.
  24. The Change takes even longer and had goddamn well better be.
  25. If you think COBRA is bad, wait until it runs out.
  26. And you are over 40.
  27. With a pre-existing condition.
  28. Networking does not, in fact, have to suck.
  29. Everybody farts.
  30. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who think Wiis are stupid, and those who have played them.
  31. I miss performing (NSFW).
  32. And, apparently, starring in commercials.
  33. And, finally, at long last and without reservations, my dad.
  34. Setting a goal to have more sex is a great idea.
  35. Telling the person you're going to be having the sex with about the goal to have more sex is not.
  36. Life becomes exponentially more awesome for each person you add to your life who is cooler than you.
  37. And a better citizen.
  38. And more talented.
  39. Astrology may be bullshit, but I'll be damned if I buy another piece of electronic equipment when Mercury is retrograde.
  40. I am a starter, not a finisher.
  41. I don't hate TV; I hate paying for it.
  42. Also, sometime while I was watching Hulu, Bravo devolved into the Schadenfreude Channel.
  43. If you want a real-time demonstration of the journey being the point, get yourself to Inbox Zero.
  44. The world won't end if you hide your light under a bushel, but someone is sure to trip in the dark.
  45. Legs' status as The Last Things to Go notwithstanding, there is an age after which one should not wear a miniskirt.
  46. At least, in public.
  47. Don't bother using Firefox with less than 4 gigs of RAM at your disposal.
  48. A made bed and a clean sink won't solve everything, but they make it easier to deal with almost anything.
  49. I would rather win one fan for life by telling the truth than a thousand for five minutes by fudging it.
  50. (Did I mention that's a really great outfit you're wearing?)

Can't wait until the next installment? Why not learn from the past while you wait?

2007

2006

2005

2004

100 Things I Learned in 2006, Part II

couch on wheelsFor all you OCD types who felt out of whack with a lopsided list, here's the back 50:

  1. Back up your files.
  2. Getting to Empty is more of a process than an event.
  3. An ongoing process.
  4. That goes on and on.
  5. I should not even bother trying on a garment which is not charcoal, burgundy, pumpkin or that one shade of blue that works with my eyes.
  6. Antibiotics wreak at least as much havoc as they prevent.
  7. Indiana south of Indianapolis is startlingly beautiful.
  8. And frequently, hilarious.
  9. Furniture is more excellent on wheels.
  10. I was high on crack thinking I could write a 750 word column in one hour.
  11. After 45, even skinny people put on weight.
  12. "More fun" is a great prescription for personal happiness.
  13. It sounds obvious, but it isn't.
  14. The Secret is another good place to start.
  15. I really missed gyros.
  16. My favorite couplet in any song ever is one I wrote myself.
  17. This makes me either more talented or more vain than I'm prepared to deal with just yet.
  18. I should quit worrying about when Sean will can my slacker ass and just blog, already.
  19. The second-most important thing after bringing the tape recorder is remembering to turn it on.
  20. There's almost no funk that can withstand the O-magazine/epsom-salt bath/Play Misty for Me trifecta
  21. Life is more fun with a label maker.
  22. I can be hot when I'm 50.
  23. And 60.
  24. And 70.
  25. Kindred spirits show up in places you'd least expect them to.
  26. Doing Best Year Yet is hard.
  27. People reveal more than they think by the things they complain about.
  28. Disneyland is more fun when you bring kids.
  29. Even if you don't get to go on the coolest rides.
  30. And you lose one of the kids.
  31. Never take Santa Monica or Melrose back to Silver Lake when you are trying to prove a point about shortcuts.
  32. More than any kind of theater, I love a really good musical.
  33. This is a really good musical.
  34. When it comes to books, my eyes will always be bigger than my stomach.
  35. Burning incense makes me feel rich.
  36. My drinking days are probably numbered.
  37. You don't know how depressed you are until you suddenly aren't.
  38. The best DVDs to own are Saturday Afternoon Hangover movies.
  39. The next-best are TV shows.
  40. The greatest luxury no one realizes is time spent alone.
  41. I just don't like almond butter.
  42. Or The Big Lebowski.
  43. Or San Diego.
  44. When it comes to taking care of my own health, I have been the world's greatest asshole.
  45. People like stories.
  46. It's never going to be easy.
  47. It's always going to be interesting.
  48. Those Entertainment coupon books are a ripoff.
  49. If I can do it, anyone can.
  50. This means you...

May your 2007 bring you your heart's desire, and may your heart's desire bring the world greater peace and happiness.

xxx c

New around these parts? Blow off my other lists? Here's your chance to catch up:

2006

2005

2004

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Cheering the Hell Up, Day 07: Why I love Global Warming

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inconvenient poster 1. Longer BBQ season.

2. Incessant worry over impending doom excellent for weight maintenance.

3. Oceanfront property in Stockton!

4. Hurricane/tornado/storm coverage makes good swirly patterns on Doppler Radarâ„¢.

5. Heavy winter clothes aggravate delicate Celtic skin.

6. Disproportionately large feet look better in flip-flops.

7. Warmer weather = more cool summer salads.

8. Costs less to heat spa.

9. Costs nothing to heat swimming pool.

10. Turns earnest, dull politicians into superhot slideshow presenters*.

xxx c

*Go see An Inconvenient Truth. If you live in NYC or LA, go THIS WEEKEND!!! It's moving, it's gorgeous, it will make you feel like you're a part of something bigger. Which you are, by the way, in case you didn't know...

,

100 Things I Learned in 2005, Part 2

,

Oh, god. I'll do anything to put off "Getting To Empty", won't I?

  1. I really really really like living on my own.
  2. I can see the day I'll be ready to give it up anyway.
  3. Despite my good intentions, I probably will not finish the curtains before that happens.
  4. Surprise miracles are even better than the ones you wish for.
  5. The best way to make peppers is to sauté them in a bunch of olive oil, garlic and onions, a wee bit of red wine, then throw in a crapload of spinach at the end.
  6. The best way to cook steaks it to let The BF do it.
  7. My sister, Liz, makes the most amazing silver jewelry.
  8. My sister, Cathy, is amazing, period.
  9. My spirit guides were right.
  10. I don't need a lot of stuff, but I need the stuff I have to be nice.
  11. The red sofa is too big for my living room.
  12. I am not, perhaps, the white tornado, after all.
  13. I have a visceral dislike for the color mint green.
  14. Vonage is cooler in theory than it is in practice.
  15. My jewelry isn't worth as much as I thought it was.
  16. I need more art in my life.
  17. If my gut tells me something, I need to pay attention.
  18. That goes for literally as well as figuratively, in my case.
  19. That colorectal surgeon who withheld results from me, sending me into a tailspin of illness it took me a year and a half to climb out of didn't realize what he wasn't doing, and didn't do it on purpose.
  20. I really and truly understand this.
  21. I'm ready to forgive him.
  22. Everything changes.
  23. It is 100% worth it to buy the wireless mouse.
  24. For each computer.
  25. Including an extra for your boyfriend's house.
  26. It is way harder to design your own logo than it is to design someone else's.
  27. There will always be some version of having to go to your friends' shows just because they are your friends, even when you have effectively left the building.
  28. I have way too many clothes.
  29. I have more than enough money, even when I think I don't.
  30. There will never be enough time.
  31. Should it come to that, it will be much easier to give up booze than it will coffee.
  32. Bloggy crushes are as much fun as show crushes, and very similar in nature.
  33. Except for short stretches, I will never be as glamorous as my mother, either of my grandmothers, most of my friends and both of my sisters.
  34. I am okay with that.
  35. They always have been.
  36. You do not know how beautiful life can be until you have added a delete button to your Gmail.
  37. The difference between love and attachment is the short step between living and shadow-living.
  38. If you buy a forest-green rug from Urban Outfitters and use it as a bedspread, you will wake up every morning with forest-green snot in your nose.
  39. Holidays are better for me as an orphan.
  40. My eyes will always be bigger than my stomach, so I better get jiggy with the workarounds.
  41. Estrofest is at least as transformative as morning pages.
  42. Implementing GTD is both easier and harder than I thought it would be.
  43. My level of ongoing commitment to something is dictated by delight, shame and money, in that order.
  44. I learned more about piano and guitar than I thought I would.
  45. The nano was made for the podcast.
  46. Despite 43 years of evidence to the contrary, I can get fat.
  47. I don't need presents at Christmas, but I must have them on my birthday.
  48. The St. André at Trader Joe's is not bad, not bad at all.
  49. Vodka is good for summer and scotch is good by the fire but my favorite flavor of hootch is bourbon.
  50. Writing things down makes all the difference.

May the lessons and gifts of 2005 make your 2006 all the richer.

xxx c

2005

2004

,

100 Things I Learned in 2005, Part 1

,

I have been busy gorging myself on movies, sex and certain foods I will have to give up when I resume the diet I must observe to keep the blood from coming out of my ass. Such are the holidays for me. Of course, the holidays were supposed to be devoted to organizing, blog-moving and other dorky things, but before I could properly set about arranging things for 2006, it was important that I sort out 2005.

And so, without (much) further ado, I give you that which I have learned this year, part the first:

  1. Online dating works.
  2. The courts don't always.
  3. Tasty Bites makes one type of heat-and-eat Indian food that is SCD-legal.
  4. Making your bed every day gives one an odd sense of accomplishment.
  5. John Waters gives good theater.
  6. Coffee tastes better in the yellow mug.
  7. Tea tastes better in the blue one.
  8. Given the work is interesting, I'd rather do it than a vacation.
  9. Del.icio.us rocks.
  10. Ditto Bloglines.
  11. Double-secret-probation ditto ELF.
  12. When the diet that stopped the blood from shooting out of you like a backwards bidet specifies "fanatical adherence", don't be an asshole, fanatically adhere.
  13. Clogs are a lot like crack, only more expensive and your first taste isn't free.
  14. Sometimes when The BF wants to spend 25 bucks on a doohickey from Dwell magazine, he's right.
  15. After health, my well-being on a given day is most directly tied to how good my hair looks.
  16. I cannot begin to describe how rattling that admission is.
  17. Amazingly, grocery-store sushi can actually be good.
  18. Even more amazingly, so can something with the total asshole name of "engagement chicken".
  19. Tom Leykis and Dr. Laura Schlessinger have more in common than they'd like to admit.
  20. I would rather design the postcard for a play than be in one.
  21. I'm okay with that.
  22. If you are the kind of chick who says "I feel more comfortable around men," you have yet to become the super-fabulous chick you can ultimately become.
  23. Meyer's Dark tastes nothing like Maker's Mark, but they are apparently interchangeable in a noisy bar.
  24. You cannot, under any circumstances, turn left on a red arrow.
  25. If you do, it will cost you $400.
  26. If you don't reply in time because it is your first mover EVER and you are too stupid to read the ticket properly, it will cost you an extra hundred and untold hours in lines at traffic court.
  27. A stronger prescription has absolutely zero effect on night vision.
  28. The Brits make the best soaps.
  29. The Yanks make the best trash.
  30. Sometimes 12" beats 15".
  31. To make a really good SCD-compliant pizza, you need to put the cheese on first.
  32. Then the toppings, then the sauce.
  33. It still doesn't taste as good cold.
  34. Old boyfriends never die; they just lurk on communicatrix.
  35. Sometimes you have to wait to be proved the funniest boy in class, but when you do, your victory will be all the sweeter.
  36. Grocery-store sushi kicks ass.
  37. You can make a roomful of complete strangers laugh with other people's slides and videos.
  38. People who drive SUVs really are ruder.
  39. A bunch of cats playing pop songs from the Middle Ages makes for a mesmerizing show.
  40. A bunch of cats howling in Icelandic makes for an even better one.
  41. Vegas is one and a half hours too far away to be worth it.
  42. Blunnies look better online than they do in person.
  43. No matter how many oaths I swear not to, I will always buy more books than I have shelf space for.
  44. The clients you think will be difficult can turn out to be your staunchest supporters.
  45. The clients you think will be easy will inevitably turn out to be the biggest pain in the keister.
  46. Given the option of any fancy entertainment available in one of the most exciting metropolitan areas in the world, I will most likely choose burgers and a movie in the 'Deener.
  47. Just because someone dumps a pile of crap in your lap doesn't mean you are obligated to keep it.
  48. The best movie of the year is less than 90 minutes long and has a kid wiping spooge on school lockers.
  49. The Americanos are best at Kings Road and the eggs are best at Lulu's, but overall best breakfast score goes to Backdoor Bakery.
  50. To spare yourself untold private misery and public humiliation, change the default setting on your blog software to "draft."

xxx c

Previous editions:

2004

Project Life, by "Project Runway"

You are a young1, aspiring designer. You have a dream: wealth, fame and the possibility of immortality via your own couture label (plus maybe a low-end spin-off at Target®). When you are given the opportunity to compete for the realization of that dream, you jump on it. Nothing can stop you now! Nothing except...yourself. DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!!! happymodelIs it any wonder that Bravo's Project Runway is a runaway hit? This is no mere reality trifle exploiting the fashion world, this is an illumination of the human condition, of the triumphs we rejoice in and the tribulations we muddle through. Like all great works of art, by focusing intensely on the specific, Project Runway speaks eloquently to the general. And the Lessons of Project Runway are like the Lessons of Life (only more stylish and way funner to watch). Listen to Tim, Project Runway's designer-judge liaison-type person (and resident sage), and learn...

Lesson 1: Make It Work

For the materials with which you will construct your first creation, a fabulous couture dress, you are sent to the store, the grocery store.

cornhusksNo problem, ever-creative, you fabricate an fanciful frock from packing tape and strategically placed corn husks. You are a genius. You run off to attend to some details (how does one accessorize a husk dress? A tortilla tam? A Sno-Caps clutch?) and when you return, sacre bleu! The husks have dried and shrunken, leaving unseemly bald patches all over your glorious creation!

Do you panic? Do you cry out at the unfairness of the universe, rend your flesh, curse your ignorance of husk water retention? Heckers, no! You slap a bunch of husk shards on the blank parts, et voila: you not only save your dress but win your round, and immunity going into the next challenge!

oopsSo the next time tragedy parks itself on your couch with an oversize rolling duffel, remember: if Austin can resuscitate a couture dress under that kind of pressure, you can certainly fix an overly-cumined batch of chili or salvage your crappy relationship.

Better yet, give 'em both the heave-ho and make yourself your fixer-upper. Because let's face it, what are we really trying to fix when we work on our dresses?

That's right, people. That's right...

Lesson 2: Make The Most Of Your Resources

bagpaperDaniel thought he was soooo smart.3 Everyone else was freaking out about how to make a grocery-store dress with only 50 bucks, and he fashions his from butcher paper and a garbage bag. But as Tim says,

For me, that statement was an instant uh-oh,because he wasn't fully utilizing the extent of his resources. It's a bit like saying that you have $500.00 to spend on an outfit at Banana Republic and you come away from it wearing a pair of [Banana Republic] boxer shorts and a [Banana Republic] scarf why? [NOTE: This comment, like Project Runway, brought to you by Banana Republic.]

If life gives you the equivalent of a $500 shopping spree, don't “chintz” out (LOL!!! ROTFLMAO!!!) at skivvies and a scarf. Unless, like, the undies are Hanro and the scarf is Hermes or something.

But seriously, use all the brains, beauty and talent you were born with4. To do anything less isn't humility, it's insulting. I mean, you don't see Paris letting the moss grow under her feet, do you? Ha. I think I've made my point.

Lesson 3: Candy, Not So Dandy

Whew! There are a lot of lessons packed into this episode! (Kinda like...life!)

candymodelWendy crafted her creation out of candy, which the twin terrors of body heat and runway lights almost melted into, as Tim sez, (a) design too revealing even for cable TV! Yikes!

"Where is the life lesson in a melted candy dress?" I'll bet you're asking. Well, I'll tell you, smarty-pants: Choose the people surrounding you not for their sparkly appeal, but for their ability to make it through the long haul...and for their sparkly appeal.

------

Wow! That was hard and took a long time, too. I guess I'll come back later with more lessons. In the meantime, make sure you watch Project Runway tonight, Wednesday, on Bravo. Back-to-back episodes at 8pm/9pm! First, they each make a swimsuit. Then they make something else, I think together. Oh, bother. I'm too tired to watch the video clip and report back to you. My advice to you is look it up yourself.

Hey! I like giving advice, too! Maybe I should create a reality show where the contestants are all aspiring to be the advice people on reality shows!

xxx c

skinny1My bad! Not all of the Project Runway contestants are young. Project Runway prides itself on its diversity. For example, Kara Saun is black!* And Austin is gay! And Wendy, the old one, is also kind of fat! I heart diversity! And Project Runway, too!

2Sorry, I don't know his last name. I am new to the show since I am a dork who doesn't watch enough TV. Actually, I watch a lot of TV, but mostly reruns of Law & Order (comforting), King of the Hill (hilarious and comforting) and Judge Judy (disturbing but oddly comforting, and often hilarious). I will try to watch more TV in the future. But all the lesson titles are actually by TIM, called "Tim's Takes." Don't believe me? Go look it up!

3Only I guess he wasn't, 'cause he's not on the show anymore!

4And your trust fund, too, if you were born with one of those. Only don't spend it like a jackass. And tithe. Everyone should tithe. Maybe if you're rich, even double/triple/quadruple tithe. Oprah tithes, and she has lots of really nice clothes and shoes and stuff. But she is also nice, and changes the world for good. So I guess, if you're rich, call Oprah and ask her about the tithing thing. If you're that rich, you probably have her number or something anyway.

*And she is so the best one! I hope she wins. Hey! I just realized this is, like, a footnote in a footnote.**

**Wait, this is one, too! Cool!!

Roman, er, American Idol

Well, I successfully avoided it for three entire seasons, but last night I happened to have my tuner card on Fox and I got sucked in by the machine. This year, we travel to the lovely coliseum in our nation's capitol. The lion lineup included such discerning tastemakers as That Former Laker Girl, That Mean British Guy, a surprisingly kind and lucid Jackson family member and, as a guest snacker, some hot dude from a band. And, as usual, you (and now I), gentle readers, are playing the role of The Bloodthirsty Mob in this year's meat circus.

As Andy Dehnart says in this mornings MSNBC recap, it's difficult to tell whether most of what we're seeing is a glorious put-on by some very clever moles or the sad, tatty dreams of some very delusional individuals. I'm praying for the former, but as a fellow human being (at least, I think we're all fellow human beings), I thought it might my duty to offer up a few helpful observations for those seriously contemplating joining in the next round of this madness. After all, being Kelly Clarkson, while not my particular cup o' java, is apparently a mighty big carrot at the end of this particular stick.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT AND/OR DO BEFORE DECIDING TO AUDITION FOR THE NEXT ROUND OF AMERICAN IDOL

  1. Busk at a busy city street corner for at least four hours. If you make less than one dollar per hour, rethink your plans.
  2. If anyone pays you to stop singing, cancel them immediately.
  3. If you are thinking of breaking out of the facility in which you are currently institutionalized in order to attend the audition, don't.
  4. If you are auditioning because a member of your family is an amazing, famous pop singer, remember, Bill Clinton has a brother, too.
  5. If you are auditioning because the people around you will not shut up about how you totally sound just as good as Cristina Aguilara, remember, it doesn't count if they're sleeping with you.
  6. Or drunk.
  7. Or if any of them are Jesus.
  8. If, however, you are auditioning because you think you might be the next William Hung, remember, there was no Son of Pet Rock.
  9. When selecting your audition piece, pick one key and really commit to it.
  10. Yes, all the way through.
  11. Also, try to avoid anything that is an automatic punch line for the judges, such as “Beat It,” “I Can't Live Without You” or anything by the Spice Girls.
  12. Also-also, if you are a generously proportioned male who has reached your majority, it is almost certainly a bad idea to select material written for a 10-year old girl, no matter how much you identify with her.
  13. Please remember that we cannot in fact hear the CD you've been singing along to while you practice, nor the voices in your head singing back up, and choose your vocal arrangement accordingly.
  14. When putting together your ensemble, remember, those white jeans aren't going to make you look any thinner on camera than they do in that mirror.
  15. Check for camel-toe.
  16. In a well-lit room.
  17. Check again.
  18. If at the outset you perceive your career options as Pop Superstar or Cosmetologist, go with Cosmetologist.
  19. If, however, your idea of a smokin'-hot outfit is a rugby shirt and white jeans barely able to accommodate a Carl's Jr. receipt, think very seriously about a third option, like plant care, or lithium.
  20. If you are given the boot, for the love of God, remember that tape is forever.

xxx c