Month: July 2005

Last Days

While I am sorely tempted to dismiss Last Days with a simple, one-sentence review (Lost Hour and 37 Minutes? Last Days and Days and Days?), I am a big enough fan of Gus Van Sant that I feel I should say a few words in this movie’s defense.

First off, there’s some of the bitchin’-est cinematography you’ll ever want to see. The Pacific Northwest is as much a character as any of the human beings in the film, and that sucker looks as cold and mystical and unbending as the day is long, not to mention like it could give a flying crap about any of the smackheads, Jesus freaks, record industry leeches and other hangers-on that populate the filmic landscape.

Second off, there are a few pretty great scenes, “great” as in “bordering on genius.” Or rather, there are a few piercing, genius moments within some really overlong scenes. It is a tremendous luxury to be able to lock down wide and burn film on good-ass acting; it is a tremendous pain in the ass, literally, when the ass in question is parked on an ahhht-house seat, to have to watch the result of this little ahhht experiment in its entirety.

However, if you want to know what it feels like to do a lot of heroin, hooba-dooba, is this your movie. Because I haven’t even done heroin and from watching this movie, I don’t have to, since I’m now pretty sure shooting up heroin involves spending a lot of time in your interior world, which I do already, and eating a lot of Cocoa Rice Krispies and boxed mac-‘n’-cheese, which is not allowed on my diet.

So according to the official website, Last Days is the natural outgrowth of the “elliptical style” Van Sant has been working in since Gerry and Elephant, neither of which I feel I have to see now because if they are the ramping-up pieces to this movie, that means they are like inferior heroin, and what the hell’s the point of that?

I say quit going in circles and start doing films that are a natural outgrowth of your good movies. Or do more movies that are like drugs that I like, say, a cocaine series or a painkiller series.

Now that’s ahhht.



Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesWherein the communicatrix comes up for air and brings with her the waterlogged remainders of a thousand lonely, late-night searches.

Well, okay, ten. But that’s hardly poetry, is it?

jokes about arrogant, self confident co worker (Yahoo)

A copywriter, a media planner and an account director walk into a bar…

can i get a pedicure if i have a plantar wart? (Ask Jeeves)

Yes, but airbrushing it or affixing bling in the form of rhinestones or miniature initial charms is considered bad form.

non listening overtalking (Google)

Lalalalala, Ican’thearyou, lalalala…

frye boots cock (Google)

You’ve got to admire the refreshing directness of our friends in the gay community.

“feng shui”+”stairs to the basement” (Google)

(In my best Jan Hooks/Texas tourguide voice), “There’s no basement in feng shui!”

i was caught stealing dresses and undies from clothes lines (Google)

I smell a Larry H. Parker poolout…

Dum Dum Dum Duuuuuum (# 67) (Google)

Dum dum dum dum DUUUUUUUUUM (and I’m skipping to #69 because I’m a nasty, nasty girl).

odometer “numbers line up” (Google)

If you’re on your way to Vegas, it means put it all on black, dude.

“here’s my dick” (Google)

Lalalalala, Ican’thearyou, lalalala…


It’s official: blogging is Over.


(Bi)-Weekly roundup, Part II: Hot Midsummer Links!

Coupleinbathingsuit2Okay…NO MORE TALKING ABOUT HOW HOT IT IS!!!

Instead, why not take a refreshing dip in the cool, cool Internet waters. I long to get back in and really splash around, but until then, I’ll just revisit where I’ve been here & there over the past few weeks…

Locksmith and x-ray technician combine magical superpowers to help idiot get back in truck! (via BoingBoing)

Someone’s horning in on my Searchesâ„¢ action. (And someone else is blowing up the â„¢ symbol! Boo-yah!) [via…oh, bother, I can’t remember, it’s too fucking, ack!]

What’s cooler than Flickr? Making art from words via Flickr! Here’s communicatrix! Here’s Miss Colleen! Here’s underpants! (Oh, come on, like you’re not totally going right there right now to spell "butt." [via CoolHunting, created by the mighty Kastner, all bow down now, please]

Speaking of CoolHunting, how fucking awesome is this watch they blogged?!? Makes me wish I had fat wrists. [via…der…]

ManinbathingsuitSomeone finally got on it and started creating the dream photography site. Frankly, I think there should be sites like this for fine art, drama, music, etc., but I’m sure that gets the copyright freaks’ undies in a collective bundle. You can access the site here, but it’s really in tatters right now (note to self: upgrade your server before a major media publication runs big story on you). [via The New York Times online, where you will have to register to read the story]

You’ll also have to register to read this fascinating story on the politics (and profits) of Costco vs. Walmart. But believe me, it’s worth it. [via The New York Times online]

Please hurry up and make the coolest keyboard in all the land so I can buy it. Please. [once again, via CoolHunting]

Some really great advice on those who would be published authors. [via Seth Godin’s blog, which I really should read more often]

Coupleinbathingsuit1The sooner kids learn the facts of life, the better. [CoolHunting, I am your bitch]

I think I’m going to have to post a separate homage to this chick, but until I do, go check out this site. Courtney Booker is one talented design monkey. She also did the design (and/or illustration) for Buddy/Buddette, one of my favorite postcards EVER. [via my frantic a.m. hunt for a headshot of Jacqueline Wright, who would be on my shit list right now if she wasn’t one of the five best people I’ve ever seen on stage in my life and too nice to yell at]

CoupleinbathingsuitAnother well-written, accessible, thought-provoking post from Half Mad (Ex-) Spinster about preconceived notions and the conditions under which they are conceived. Nice to know that if I ever move to Ohio, there will be a kindred spirit there for me to bond with.

Finally, great mapping fun, find who’s hot or not in your own backyard!!! [via Kovixen, who has a really great blog of her own, in case you were interested]

Later, dudes!


(Bi)-Weekly roundup, Part I: Trippy Midsummer Fun!

ManonboogieboardIt’s been a wild and woolly week here at the c-trix ranch. Actually, not woolly at all: with L.A.’s delightful summer temperatures back in action (and an additional, fragrant 15-20º here in the Easy-Bake Ovenâ„¢), I endeavor to wear as little wool as possible. Actually, I try to wear as little as possible, period, right now, I’m blogging naked in between two box fans; how’s that for a sweaty mental picture?

Well, I’m a sweaty mental, that’s for sure. Yesterday, I took a for-reals graphic design job that fell in my lap. I (correctly, as it turns out) suspected I was woefully underqualified from a technical aspect, but after a day spent cooking next to the G5 chez moi, the promise of 10 hours in air-conditioning trumped even my colossal fears. That and free lunch. I’ve pretty much burned through the contents of both my own and The BF’s fridges, and have zero energy for grocery shopping these days.

Patiochairs1But I digress. (Are you happy now?) What I mean to say by all this blathering is that I’ve not had much time for surfing. Yesterday, for example, I spent 10 hours hunched in front of a 12" PowerBook trying to discreetly search Illustrator help for how to make horsey, 3-D type (on purpose, for the gig) and not notice how cute the guy at the next workstation was (The BF is out of town and I’m goin’ CRAZY, I tell you…CRAZY!!!!). Between that, a clutch of fruitless errands post-work and the nascent cold brought on by blazing-heat-to-frozen-interior temperatures, I don’t have the time or the interest level necessary to do any serious surfin’. So this special, two-part edition of Weekly Roundupâ„¢ will have fresher news than links, but hey, at least the news here doesn’t involve car bombs, rucksack bombs or Republican hubris.

GirlplayingballIn this edition, the newsy items of note:

Not only did my idols, The 2 Blowhards, do me the extraordinary honor of adding me to their blogroll, Michael Blowhard included me in a flattering post about bloggers that Hollywood would do well to pay attention to. After many years of practice I am quite comfortable with toiling away in obscurity as far as Tinsel Town in concerned, but I am rather panicked (albeit flattered) by the responsibilty inherent in being linked from the main page of the greatest culture blog on the Internet. So Michael B., thank you for sending my hit rate soaring into the double digits and my anxiety level into the stratosphere. I will wear something sheer and gauzy with well-placed embroidery tonight in your honor, and in person should we ever meet.

ServingcornThis is turning out to be The Summer Colleen Interfaced with Big, Hollywood Directors As They Slummed in Commercials. I posted elsewhere about my shoot with the lovely Joel Schumacher (and my run-in with Errol Morris, who, for the record, was not so lovely); a coupla weeks ago I shot a little spot with the charming (and prolific) Rob Cohen, who has a little picture called Stealth you can see next week. In fact, please do, and on opening weekend.  I’ve got to ride someone’s coattails to fame and glory, goddammit.

After sending off a picture for my column to a faceless email account, I received some actual correspondence from Andrew Reid, the very nice man behind the Agony Aunts, a.k.a. my advice pimp. He thanked me for the avatar (ooo…fancy!) and mentioned he’d made some tweaks to the site, including a ranking of Agony Aunts by user ratings in addition to number of posts, basically a quality rating to augment the quantity one. Unbelievably, but officially, yours truly is actually one of the more popular Agony Aunts! Of course, just like Britney, Jen and Karl, now that I am on top, the public will be chomping at the bit to tear me down. But yes, I am enjoying my fifteen minutes.

If only I could enjoy it in air-conditioning…


The doctor is way, way out there

It’s time to spill the beans.

Time to ‘splain, as Ricky would to Lucy, where he’s been until 3 in the morning (metaphorically speaking, of course, the last time I was up at 3am I was being HIGHLY paid for the anomaly by a major U.S. manufacturer of packaged goods).

I’ve been out…with other people.

It started innocently enough. A random stumble onto a page somewhere or another led me to the British nexus of Dear Abby wannabes (called “agony aunts” on that side of the pond, wot wot). After a few minutes of sniffing around at the fiery train wrecks in plain view, I fell down the rabbit hole. So many lost little lambies, so few grizzled shepherdesses to lead them. Plus I get to say things like “on holiday” in place of “on vacation” and use the word “besotted” a lot. Plus-plus I get to exercise my Lucy Van Pelt muscles, which always feels good.

Of course, I’m not always the oldest, bossiest chick on the block (although I’m generally the sassiest…ha!). In my newest part-time blogging gig, demographically speaking I am but a wee slip of a girl. I have no idea whether the peeps reading the Third Age blog will find anything I have to blab about interesting or informatinve; I have been told by our fearless leader, the lovely Jory Des Jardins (who is even younger than I am, fer cryin’ out loud) that my job is to provide local color, or basically, sass it up without “shorting out the system,” as Jory puts it.

All I can say is thank GOD everything really is relative; until I hit senior year, there will always be people older than me, and that’s how I like it, brother. Oh, and thank you Jory, both for the vote of confidence and for giving me something to do to occupy my idle hours. If I had to re-iron my dust ruffle one more time, I swear I’d scream…


I’m not drunk, I’m just resting

PaddyofurnitureDear Readers,

Whew! This place sure does look dusty, huh? And kind of empty and stuff, too. Oh, well. Why don’t we all just think of it as "broken-in", like some gross polyester shirt where the sweaty smell is totally burned into the fibers and gets released when you get a little warm under the arms but that you can’t get rid of because (a) it smells fine right after you wash it so this time for sure you got the stink out and (b) even if you didn’t, it’s the only thing you have to wear when they ask for Casual Business Attire?

I know, I know, it’s my fault. I got a little distracted by my glamorous, "real" world life doing stuff like "grocery shopping" and "cleaning" and "working" for certain "people" who shall remain nameless but produce a certain well-known theater festival in Scotland where apparently they have nothing better to do than drink a lot of local product and fire off insulting emails to American graphic designers.

Well, that’s part of it anyway. Truth is, this here blogging is hard work sometimes, and every so often, the communicatrix just needs a little "me" time to do something rejuvenating, not to mention a little R&R with The BF like spending five days in 110º weather to shoot footage for his reel and driving down to Long Beach during rush hour to buy patio furniture from some desperate guy we found on Craig’s List and drinking lots of tequila and passing out on the patio furniture helping The BF clean out his entire house.

But now the tequila is gone I am rested and refreshed and ready to jump back into things. Once more into the breach, dear friends, right? (Hahaha! I just made an obscure English war reference! Take that, stupid Scottish people!)

Anyway, the communicatrix has puh-lenty of interesting news and stuff in store for both of you, so don’t forget to tune in to see all that cool news and stuff. Like for instance some, um, work-type stuff. And some…idea-y type stuff, too. And a bunch of other…things. And stuff.

So come back, okay?




for the attractive five-piece wrought-iron set you see here, including umbrella and
petunias! $175?!? I mean, come on, you’d pay that for the umbrella
alone! Kiss my ass, Wal-Mart! Power to the people!**

**This reminds me of my second-favorite joke: What’s green and rusts if you leave it out in the rain? Paddy O’Furniture!

Arrivederci, Las Vegas!

souvenirs 3Well, I just got back from five days in Las Vegas and boy howdy, it is just as FABULOUS as the sign said it would be!

Firstly, how great is it to be surrounded by so many people who are here to have FUN, such as smoking and playing video poker and drinking Miller Lite at seven A.M.!? There are lots and lots of exciting shows at the various casino-hotels and some of the best of them are right smack in the middle of the casino floor and FREE (although you do have to pay for the valuable limited edition coin).

souvenirs 6And if you get bored (hahaha), you can get in your car and drive up and down Las Vegas Boulevard A.K.A. “the Strip” and see e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because they make sure the traffic goes really, really, REALLY slowly. And is there ever a lot to see, both man-made and natural. For example, at night, there is lots of “neon” and “signage” and “neon signage”, but by the morning, everything in Las Vegas magically turns to the same color of beige! And stays that way until they turn the lights back on!

souvenirs 2Speaking of magic, as it turns out, not only did we totally LUCK (hahaha) into staying at the hotel with not regular but XTREME magic, it also is home to the genuine FOLIES BERGERE “production” nightclub act, which they don’t even have at that hotel that looks like ancient France. We also had many luxurious amenities such as a choice between valet and “self”-parking (with most of the spaces thoughtfully located on a vast, sunny lot far enough away from the hotel to afford excellent views of other lots) AND an “espresso” bar where the baristas make “real”-type espresso AT THE PUSH OF A BUTTON!!! No tiresome grinding and pulling in LAS VEGAS, baby!!!

And that is not even counting THE FREMONT STREET EXPERIENCE, which is not just five blocks of casinos covered by a slotted dome with an hourly light show projected on it but a complete EXPERIENCE with FREE Mardi Gras beads, FREE music from the 60s, 70s and 80s and an entire host of gourmet foods available for purchase including fried Twinkiesâ„¢, fried Oreosâ„¢ and yard-long daiquiris…in every flavor! No wonder it gets so many glowing and thoughtful reviews!

souvenirs 1Well that’s just how much I really loved FABULOUS Las Vegas, Nevada! And on this, the eve of the anniversary of the date commemorating our country’s move to independence, I cannot think of a better way to celebrate those principles that made our country great than to spend the weekend in a 100% American paradise created from raw desert with nothing but lights, air-conditioning and franchised eatertainment: VEGAS, baby, VEGAS!!!


Images via The Las Vegas Review Journal